As the date comes closer and closer the nightmares come more often. Last night not so much a nightmare in the sense of being scary but still a nightmare to me. He was there. I could talk to him. I could see him. But then I wake up only to realize it was all just a dream. I cant talk to him I cant see him. I cant tell him how I feel or ask him for advice. I have a feeling I wont be sleeping much for awhile. I dont want to sleep. The dreams only get worse from here till that day. And then it still takes awhile for them to go away. I blame myself which I know is silly. What could I have done? I could have died too. Maybe I would have been the one driving and then there would have been no accident but he still would have had the heart attack. I couldnt have stopped it. But maybe I would have seen the signs and could have gotten him help. But these are all maybes. When its your time to go its your time to go. He asked me to go with him and I was selfish and angry. I had class that night but I maybe I could have skipped. I should have told him that I would have loved to go but could not cause of class. But all I said was I cant. I lost my chance. I made the decision. Cant change them now. Nothing I do cant change the fact that he is gone. I broke his heart. We lost the connection we had and he couldnt figure out how to get it back and I wasnt willing to try. He died from a broken heart not from driving head on into a 18wheeler. It was me my unwillingness to try my stubborness to forgive. I still cant talk about him and how bad I messed up without getting upset. I will never know if he is proud of me. If he thinks I am doing a good job. He had no reason to. I have messed up soo much in the last few years. It would probably break his heart to know all that I have done. I am soo sorry but sorry doesnt fix things. and time doesnt heal all wounds.

Where does the weekend go?

I actually had the whole weekend off. woooohoooooooooo. I have decided that ex are exs for a reason. Cause they are annoying as all. My ex had told a friend that he was going to sign our son up for tball last weekend but he didnt. So I had to call him and act like I didnt know about him talking to our friend and tell him I saw in the paper that they were having tball sign up this weekend and that it was the last one. So I needed a copy of his birth certificate. So he puts it in our son's bookbag friday but does not put my name on it. When I get the bookbag its empty. His teacher had taken it cause ex hasnt put one on file with them. Call him he rants and raves and says he'll drop one off at work in the morning. Later on that night he knocks on my door and gives it to me. grrrrrr doesnt he know how to call ahead. It all boils down to he didnt register him cause he didnt want to have to pay for it. So I registered him Saturday morning and off we went to the mall. I got some great deals on clothes for the kids and then we got our pictures taken. Now I got to wait 2 weeks to get them back. I hate waiting but way to expensive to get them the same day. Ive also decided if I didnt have to buy groceries Id be rich. Maybe I should just give up eating. Sunday we just went to church and came home and played around the house.

I climb into our bed.
Its so lonely without you here.
Pulling the covers up around me I can smell you.
I lay my head on your pillow.
I slowly drift off to sleep
Only to be woken up by the cold
The room is dark
The covers are gone
The cool night air blows across my skin
I feel your hand slowly caressing my body
Sending a shiver down my spine
You kiss my lips
I whisper your name
I open my eyes
You are not there
Was it a dream?
It couldnt have been
I can smell you
You were here
The phone rings
I answer it then hang it up
A tear rolls down my cheek
Was that your way of telling me goodbye?

Last night's fortune cookies

Made in the USA

If you dont have time to live your life now, when will you?

The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Another day passes by
And still I dont know why
I try not to cry
But why did you have to die?

Why does the weekend have to fly by so fast? Friday night I went scrapbooking with my best friend. We were out past midnight laughing and annoying all the other people at our crop. They kept looking at us like we were freaks. But we had fun. I miss spending alot of time with her. When I got home my sweetie and I stayed up till 2:30am watching The Million Dollar Baby. It was really good till the end.

Saturday get up and go to work. Then go to my house and clean it. Then go to sweetie's apartment and straighten it up and wash laundry. We went out to eat not going there again for a long time majorly bad food. Off to Walmart and then DQ for icecream. Shot my diet to you know where.

Sunday get up late for church. Go to church have meeting at church. Guess what? Not all church people are nice. Go to grocery store get steaks wooooooooohoooooooo red meat for dinner. Go back to sweetie's veg on sofa. Watch for football and eat and talk and watch some more football.

Monday get up majorly late for work. Get to work late. No makeup no hair done. Everyone waiting for me to open up. Work work work. Hopefully not working late go to sweetie's eat some good pizza and pass out watching tv.

Time sure does fly when you are working your butt off. Busy week trying to get everything straight here at work. I cant believe how busy we have been for a January. I hope we stay this busy all year. I would much rather be busy then just sitting around doing nothing. I cant believe the month is half gone.

My sweetie stayed over Saturday night. In the 8 months we have been dating he has only stayed over one other time and that was Christmas eve. Usually when I have my Stars he comes over and then goes home. I loved laying there in his arms and listening to my Stars laugh at the tv in the morning. I miss him when he is not near me. Everyone says I got it bad for him. I wonder if he has it bad for me?

"I shall pass through this world but once. Any good I can do, or any kindness that I can show any human being, let me do it now and not defer it, for I shall not pass this way again." - Stephen Grellet

Well I made it thru Friday the 13th unharmed. In fact it was a pretty good day. Its amazing how much I can get done when I focus. I just need to learn to focus more often. Now if I could just learn to control my dreams. I swear I need to stop eating icecream after 9pm. I woke up in the middle of the night to a bad storm. I hate storms. The scare me. Yes I know Im an adult and I am still scared of storms. The thunder and lightning are awesome its the power that scares me. So my sweetie being the sweetie that he is just held me and whispered softly in my ear till I fell back asleep. I love this man.

Todays Fortune Cookies

Your flair for the creative takes an important place in your life.

You will make many changes before settling satisfactorily.

I do not like the word settling. It sounds like Im not getting what I want but just to decide to take what I think I can get.

Friday the 13th

What is it about this day that scares the heck out of me? Is it all just a myth or do a lot of bad things happen on this day? So Im setting here at work trying to make sure I dont make any mistakes cause its the 13th and Friday and the world could all come crashing down on me. I was gonna call sweetie and tell him to be extra careful today but I dont want to jenks him. So on with my day I go and gonna keep my fingers cross that the sky doesnt fall on my head.

fortune cookies

Your gifts are showing, use them to help others.

You are almost there.

ok the was crazy was a blog quizy gone wild

scared

What am I scared of

Im scared to tell you I love you. Maybe you dont love me.
Im scared to not tell you I love you. Maybe you think I dont.
Im scared that I will die and you will never know how much you mean to me.
Im scared that one day you will decide that you no longer want me cause others have done that.
Im scared that you will tell me to "pack my stuff and get the fuck out" cause those words are etched in my heart.
Im scared of life without you cause you mean the world to me.


I know I have no basis for think youwont be around tomorrow or next week but still when I ask you to do stuff with me that is over a week away I always say "If you are still around then" Yes I wonder from day to day if you will be here tomorrow. We dont fight but still I have a hard time accepting that you will still be around. Im insecure. Im scared that one day it will all end. I try not to think past today but I soo want a future with you.

I GOT CRAMPS

A girl with cramps can be your worse enemy. Ive been up since 3am couldnt sleep cause I was contemplating poking my own eyes out. Last night I told my sweetie that he should leave me alone before I poked his eyes out. I later apoligized. Yes I am a bitch when I dont feel good. Mark your calander every 4 weeks like clock work Im gonna be a major bitch. Yes a more than normal bitch.

Your Stipper Song Is

She Wants to Move by N.E.R.D. "Her off beat dance makes me fantasize (Her curves) She's sexy!!" You are 100% sex appeal. As simple as that.

What Song Should You Strip To?

Well its Monday and I hit the floor running this morning. Employees late. Day full of deliveries. Orders. Lots of smiles. Its all good. I did finally have my melt down Saturday night. Imagine this. Neighbor is ohhhhh yess'n and sweetie is sleeping. Im wide awake eyes hurt tired and pissed that everyone is either getn some or sleeping. I slept 3 hours the night before. So I get pissed and go lay on the sofa and start to cry. Sweetie comes out and starts to rub my back and ask me to come back to bed with him. I agree only if we turn the radio up so that neighbor is drowned out. After much cuddling I finally drift off to sleep. I wake up Sunday and decide to sleep some more gonna just have to miss Sunday school. I did make it to church. So after some much needed sleep I am much better now.

You know you've scared the world around you when your office help says to you "I thought you were going to have a melt down yesterday." Truth be known I was sure I was going to melt down Thursday. The stress had reached its max point. Or what I thought was its max point. But here I am still alive. One day at a time one project at a time. I just had to panic and then get over that and figure out how to fix it. Lucky for me I have a great support system. One man in particular is trying his hardest to make sure I suceed at my dream. He has watched over me for the last two years like he was my father. He talks to me like I am an equal. He never makes fun of me when I ask questions. He explains and helps me as much as he can. We talk about everything. He and I talk more than his children and him talk which makes life interesting cause he is also my sweetie's father. Poor man probably knows more about my relationship with his son then he cares to know. But I am very greatful for him. When I am stressed he listens to me and tries to help me work thru my problems. He is the one that found me a house to move to town and helped me move. He is the one that has sat many a night with me here at work doing odds and ends stuff till I was done with my work. He is not my blood family but I concider him more family then some of my blood relatives. I am very blessed to have him in my life. I just hope one day I can repay him for all the things he has done for me.
My sweetie has also been a champ thru the last couple days. Trying his hardest to make me smile and make sure I dont jump off the building. Some days I wonder where I would be without him.
Well back to work for me. Stress here I come.

The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination.

Why is it when it rains men have to whine like a bunch of babies? Ok yes its raining but only a drizzle and I know you can get sick if you stay wet but you want a job then get your butt out there and do your job. More water comes out of a water gun then what is falling from the sky. Im beginning to think they are a bunch of 30+ babies. We dont sell product I dont have money for payroll. Its that simple. So grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Ok so I got some great sex and good sleep and Im ready to face the world. Yes it tried to kill me yesterday but today is a new day. Its gonna be ok. Now if I could just learn how to tell my sweetie that I love him. Yep Im chicken shit. I do love him but Im scared to death to say those words.

STRESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Here I set wondering. Can your head explode from stress? Can you have a heartattack at my age? Everything seems to be looking up and then bammmmmmmmmm you feel like ya got hit by a truck. Nothing I did or nothing the ones I love did. Just life. Life is a gamble and I am beginning to wonder if Im lossing at this gamble. Im tired. Im stressed. Im worried. I just keep praying that all my hard work is going to payoff. But maybe I kidding myself. Maybe my dreams are not able to be reached. These are the days I really wish my father was here. His advice is much needed. Or maybe I should have listen to what he said all along. He told mom when he died to sell. Maybe Im just a f*ck up cause I wanted this dream. A dreamer child that believed hard work would pay off. Its never been about the money. Its always been about the love of my job. Ok no more pitty party for me. Back to work. Shake it off and face life.

New year. New beginnings. New nightmares. why is it that some people remember all their dreams and others dont? I wish I didnt remember them. I havent been sleeping well lately. Work stress is adding up. This part of the year is stressful do to inventory and year end. But it should be getn better.