Giggle

2011-10-15T09:55:00.002-04:00

"As memory may be a paradise from which we cannot be driven, it may also be a hell from which we cannot escape." - John Lancaster Spalding

I was reading a book this week that had this quote in it. It is sooo very true. I have memories that I cherish and then I have the ones that nightmares are made of. Some are of my own making and others I had no control over. I may remember an event happening one way and someone else may remember it another way. We learn from our memories. I have learned that I cant let the bad memories control me. I have to let go of the past and embrace the future.

Sounds

2011-09-23T12:29:00.002-04:00

I sit here at my desk listening to the fan spin and the rain fall. With different sounds come different feeling and memories. When a school bus goes by my window it makes me smile and think of my stars. The first bus comes by 5 minutes before theirs. The rain makes me think of lazy days curled up in bed with my husband. Those lazy days are few and far between these days. The honks of the geese overhead tells me that the oranges, reds and yellows of fall are on their way. I dont like it when it is quiet. I always have some type on noise in the house. We forget to stop and be still and listen. Listen to the peace and feel the calmness that comes with it.

Paths

2011-09-17T17:06:00.002-04:00

There are soo many different paths we can take. The easy path is not always the right path. I pray everyday that God helps me to pick the right path and guides me. I sometimes get lost but He holds my hand a helps me back.

2011-03-29T10:12:00.003-04:00

I hope you realize
Half of what he says are lies
I hope you see
How awesome you can be
I hope you dream
Of touching moon beams
I hope you pray
For His guidance every day
I hope you know
That I love you wherever you go

2011-03-28T16:03:00.003-04:00

Ronnie Dunn "Bleed Red" Lyrics Let’s say were sorry ‘fore it’s too late Give forgiveness a chance Turn the anger into water Let it slip through our hands We all bleed red we all taste rain All fall down loose our way We all say words we regret We all cry tears we all bleed red If we’re fighting we’re both loosing We’re just wasting our time Because my scars they are your scars And your world is mine You and I We all bleed red we all taste rain All fall down loose our way We all say words we regret We all cry tears all bleed red Sometimes we’re strong sometimes we’re weak Sometimes we’re hurt and it cuts deep We live this life breath to breath We’re all the same we all bleed red Let’s say were sorry ‘fore it’s too late We all bleed red we all taste rain All fall down loose our way We all say words we regret We all cry tears we all bleed red Sometimes we’re strong sometimes we’re weak Sometimes we’re hurt and it cuts deep We live this life breath to breath We’re all the same we all bleed red I love this song. I think many people have forgotten that we all are the same.

ball ball ball

2011-03-28T15:35:00.002-04:00

Ball season is here and I am everywhere. I think they should have a temperture limit. Sitting in the 40 degree weather for 3 hours is not fun. The kids are enjoying it sooo far. I dont mind it when its warmer. I am not one of those if we dont win the world is coming to an end parents. My kids are there to have fun and learn how to play with a team. Winning is nice but its not the end of the world if they dont.

Bunkbeds

2011-03-22T12:23:00.002-04:00

Last year my loving husband made my son bunkbeds. Well now it seems my daughter wants them too. She started off just randomly saying she wanted bunkbeds to now its an everyday conversation. Night before last she had to talk to my husband on the phone about them and then when I called her last night she asked if they were finished yet. I told her maybe she can have them for her birthday. She informed me that was months away. lol. So loving husband that he is told me to order the material last week. It is now sitting in his garage. We had to make up a story about what it is there for cause he wants to surprise her with them. My loving husband is not their father but you would never know by the way he acts about them. I never use the word stepdad. They have a dad already and for some reason step just doesnt sit well. The kids call him by his name sometimes they add bear to it. I've never heard them use the word stepdad when talking about him. He helps me tuck them in. He fixes their breakfast and makes our lunches. So my story that started out as a funny story about the want of one little girl for her own bunkbed turned into a story about the love of a man for that little girl. Blood doesnt make you family love does.

2011-03-17T13:31:00.002-04:00

I have a small coupon using addiction. I am trying to get our food bill down. If we didnt have to buy food we would be rich. Some people may think its a pain but when I'm paying around half price or less for my groceries I'm a happy girl. I'm ready to plant my garden so I can stop buying veggies at the store. I save alot during the summer with the garden plus my children say they like our veggies much better.

2011-03-15T09:05:00.002-04:00

I sometimes get very frustrated with my life. Its my unorganized self that usually causes these problems. no matter how bad my day is there is always someone out there who is having a worse day. I fussed at my son last night for being impatient while waiting for dinner. I reminded him of the people in Japan who haven't had food for days and told him he would be ok to wait a few more minutes. I now have to fuss at myself cause some days I complain about the small stuff when there are people alot worse off than me. I am very greatful fOr all I have.

2011-03-14T14:44:00.003-04:00

This weekend was soooo nice. I love it when the weather gets nice enough for me to work outside and not freeze. We started tilling our garden. I cant wait for fresh veggie. I tried to get the whole house clean Sunday but that didnt happen. I dont understand how we get sooo many dirty clothes. could be that my daughter changed her outfit 3x yesterday lol. baseball and softball practice this week games start next weekend. so far i havent left practice with a crying child so they must be liking it. we played ball in the yard yesterday. i think im gonna need alot more practice.

2011-03-14T07:43:00.001-04:00

I DO NOT LIKE THIS TIME CHANGE THINGIE

2011-03-10T10:36:00.002-05:00

Is there a washer you can put people in? If so it would help save water. My stars like to take long showers if I had a washer for them it would surely reduce the amount of water used. lol Would definitely need to ue the delicate cycle.

Warning Labels

2011-03-08T09:36:00.002-05:00

People should come with warning labels. DANGER woke up on wrong side of the bed or DANGER crabby when hungry. Caller id should also tell you if the person is happy or moody. And if you've been drinking too much your phone shouldnt work at all. Drunk texting has gotten many a person in trouble. I know I should come with a label but since I dont I have to remember that the people around me cant read my mind. And if they could boy would they have a headache.

2011-03-07T09:13:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I was way lazy. got up went to church and then went back to sleep. much needed it was. feeling much better today and im focused gonna get some of this paper work done. lots of meetings this week and busy weekend coming up so ive got to get everything done. i think there is somewhere to be every night this week and then possible sleep over of 2-3 kids this weekend. rented 2 movies this weekend. husband no longer allowed to pick movies. the repo is not about cars but body parts turned off after 10 min not good. these little red boxes have no where near the selection of a movie store and when they first came out they had much better movies. soo busy busy week.

Office now looks like a paper shredder went wild. slowly i am finding my way out of this paper hell. meeting fOr tonight moved to tomorrow. lol i think i have it planned and then it just moves around. guess that life. about told off an old man on the phone today cause he thought i didnt know anything. just cause im a girl doesnt mean i dont know what you are looking fOr. and iF you bought it here 25 years ago im the only one who can answer your question cause the man you bought it from died 13 years ago. so to the sexest old man who thinks i have no brain you will not define my week so take a flyn leap. btw i work alot better when you piss me off. paper flies.

2011-03-05T08:39:00.002-05:00

Sad how the little businesses that made this town are slowly dieing off. Main street isn't the street of my childhood. I know things have to change but its sad to see the family businesses being eaten up by the larger chains. The mom and pop store owners know your name they know your parents names and your kids names. They ask how the family is. They make time to answer your questions. They may not have what you are looking for but are will to either order it or tell you where you can find it. So soon we day goodbye to another business. Who will be next?

2011-03-01T12:20:00.002-05:00

Everytime I hear the song "I hear voices" it soooo makes me laugh. Dont we all have those little voices in our heads that talk to us from time to time? The memories that seem to pop out at us. vivid as the day that person said them to us. the part that makes me laugh the most is from time to time at work i will just start sing i hear voices i hear voices. makes the coworkers a little nervous makes me laugh. stress has a way of making you laugh at yourself. i am learning worry about things you cant change doesnt help. fix the things you can and let go of the rest.

2011-02-25T16:39:00.003-05:00

I feel like Dorothy today. the wind just keeps blowing and blowing. or maybe its the three little pigs and the big bad wolf. at times i think the building just might give up.

im glad its friday. need the weekend got to get organized for next week and sleep. so many things to do. softball and baseball practice 2 nights a week is really gonna kick my tail. got to get the house clean and try to get paperwork done.

2011-02-24T15:30:00.002-05:00

What a week. Grandma was taken to hospital on Sunday came home Monday. I do love her sooo. sad watching her slowly slip away. i am truly blessed to have had her for soo long. of all the things she has taught me unconditional love is the greatest. I've always know no matter what i did she would love me.

Yesterday I got to go on a field trip with my son. it was nice having the day off and spending time with him. they grow up way tooo fast.

Today my daughter was sick. she is better now. I've learned making plan for getn my work done just doesn't work cause something always happens.

PEACE

2011-02-18T13:31:00.002-05:00

Quietness washes over my soul
Darkness has been washed away by the rain.
My heart has been made whole.
Peace after the pain.
Memories play thru my mind.
The tears the laughter the hurt the love.
How could I have been so blind
Peace comes from above.

2011-02-15T13:09:00.003-05:00

I am all over the place as usual. the need for spring is calling me the sun and wind. the dreams of home are sooo close. as a child i imaged where i would live when i grew up. not the house but the place. my place of center my comfort zone. i love my piece of the farm. i never imagined living anywhere else as a child. watching my child run and play where i did. i knew i wouldnt start out there just eventually end up there. that dream is still very much alive. i picture the driveway and the yard now. working on the house in my mind is going to take longer. trying to see the true home. i hear the laughter of many children some mine by blood others mine by love. the idealist in me wants to make the world a better place one child at a time. the realist wonders exactly how im gonna manage to do that. prayer and love. im still stressed over work but learning that it happens in God's time. He knows my heart and will provide. wants are not needs. each day is a new start to the road of life. one step at a time i will get to the end. all in His time.

2011-02-12T08:16:00.003-05:00

Into her life you came

Looking for more than a game
Only to find your goddess
Very lost in her own darkness
Encapsulated in fearful tomb

Your strength you gave to heal her wound
On your shoulder she did cry
Until at last her heart could fly

13 years

2011-02-11T16:04:00.002-05:00

i love you daddy

the words you sooo longed to hear.
the words i sooo wish you were here to hear.
the day is forever etched in my head.
i will not work late tonight.
i cant handle the thought of sitting here at your desk when the time comes.
i still listen for the sound of your car pulling up here.
i long for your guidance that i soo hated when you were here.
time teaches us sooo many things.
time taught me that tomorrow is not promised.
i loves yous are for today
dont leave anything unsaid cause tomorrow it may be to late

2011-02-11T15:00:00.002-05:00

Im all over the place today. lots to do and little time to get it done. at least most of my house is already clean so my surprise guest for the weekend arent freaking me out. my brother and family are coming to town and just found out they are staying with me. they will be here about 2 am goood thing i dont sleep. then decided to have people over for dinner on saturday the more the merrier. cooking is always interesting when they are here cause they are allergic to everything some are allergic to this and that and some only that. peanuts bananas dairy glutton. i got 1 and 1/2 days off work this week cause my son was sick and only mommy can make it better. was nice having some time to just get stuff done around the house and not have to wait till the weekend to do all the cleaning. so i guess its gonna be a very busy weekend at my house. i cant wait to see my niece and nephew. my kids will be surprised. i havent told them they are coming and wont till i get them from their dad tomorrow.

2011-02-08T11:27:00.002-05:00

Got a sick one today. waiting to take him to the dr to find out what he has. the flu has been running around his father's house and school. im eating oranges like a crazy lady. lol. i have managed to get alot at work done today just keep focusing on work and the paper piles are getting a little smaller. one pile at a time its leaving this office or going in its spot wooooooooohooooooooooo. then gonna go home and get that all clean. major scrub down now that germs are gonna be running around. thinking homemade bread and brownies and then some kind of chicken for dinner. im in the mood to try new recipes poor family they always get stuck trying new stuff lol.

2011-02-07T07:47:00.002-05:00

Guess I have the winter blues. Mark has mentioned that I dont giggle. Well last night during the Super Bowl half time I did. I sooo want one of those light up costumes. and when they came out with the boxes on their heads I was laughing so hard my husband looked at me like i was crazy. maybe its been sooo long that i giggles that he forgot what it sounded like. the sun is out this morning but suppose to rain again tonight. I'm over the rain. soon spring will be here. I'm ready for sun and being able to work outside. flowers and sunshine.

2011-02-05T16:53:00.002-05:00

Why do we hold on to things that have memories we care not to remember attached to them? Why dont we toss them out to purge the sadness? Im thinking tomorrow is the day to purge. Today it has rained all day like tears falling from heaven. Tomorrow is a new day. No rain no tears just new beginnings.

2011-02-04T11:52:00.002-05:00

Have you ever sat on the beach and listened to see if you could hear the sun sizzle when it meets the ocean?

Have you ever laid in a grassy field just to have the sun on your face and to listen to the wind speak?

Have you ever danced in a hot summer shower letting the rain wash away the worries?

Have you ever gone for a midnight run just to look at the stars and listen to the rhythm of your own heart?

2011-01-29T10:58:00.002-05:00

The sound of money falling.
The snapping of the mechanical jaws.
The flashing round lights.
The closing of the doors and the quick movement of the train.
Walking across park looking at the different monuments.
The sights and sounds of the city.
Each one different but in their own way the same.
Soo many museums.
This young girl was in heaven.
Paintings in one planes in another.
Dinosaurs and dresses.
The pride of a country in the heart of a child.
As she watches the changing of the guards she understands what it took for her to have freedom.
As an adult the city still calls her.
She wants to share the pride of her country with her kids.
Show them were their freedom came from.
Teach them the sacrifies many made for them to be free.
The long wall of names and great man in his chair.
The great building with its dome.
Maybe one day they will work there and help make their country great.
This city was built on dreams.
I wonder if the people that work there now believe in the dreams of the ones before them or have they forgotten.

Where were you?

2011-01-28T12:12:00.001-05:00

I woke up this morning to the news saying it was the 25th anniversary of the Challenger space shuttle blowing up. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I was 9 years old. My brother and I were at my grandmother's playing in the snow. School was canceled due to what seems like a foot of snow. I was excited cause it meant we would get to watch the space shuttle take off. We were sledding down the hill by her house when she yelled at us to come in and watch. Sitting there in my grandma's living room I watch it take off and then blow up. Innocents lost. I prayed and prayed that day not understanding how something like this could happen. I hate to even think of it now. There was a teacher on there. I remember watching her getting on. Her smile. I could imagine her students watching her with such pride in her. And then to see it explode must have changed their lives right then and there. I'm not sure how long we sat there watching the news go over and over it. Life is sooo very short. We never know what the next second is going to bring.

2011-01-26T12:47:00.001-05:00

Im still alive its been a week some good some bad will try to write more tonight.

2011-01-18T10:38:00.004-05:00

Last night I watched a show I rarely ever watch. How I met you mother. One of the characters father had died and they were talking about the last words that his father had said to him. It hit home. I dont remember the exact last words my father said to me or that I said to him. He had asked me earlier in the week to take afternoon trip with him that Wednesday. I had a college class that night and really didnt want to go with him so I told him I couldnt go. Being stuck in a car for an afternoon with my father was not a way I wanted to spend my afternoon. I got home that night to a phone call from my mom telling me he had been in an accident. What were my last words? That I dont know but I do know I didnt want to go with him. 13 years and I still wonder if I had been there would the outcome have been different. I now make sure the last thing I say to the ones I love is I love you. I never want them to wonder what the last words I said to them were.

2011-01-14T21:03:00.000-05:00

Well its that time of year that I dream of you. I see your face I reach for you only to wake up with the greatest feeling of loss. oh to hear your voice. I will not break the promise I made to you. Honor thy father and thy mother. At least I can try to get one part of that right. The dreams haunt me. so much you missed. and sooo much that I missed. you knew things that i wish i would have listened to. your song was so true. the greatest man i never knew did live just down the hall from me. whos fault it was we will never know. i sit here at your desk with your dream knowing that it is no longer my dream. my dream is the one ive had my whole life. my dream is have time. time with my family. maybe that was your dream too we just never got there. i have learned that everything is not always black and white. maybe if i had been there things would have been different. my relationship with mom is sooo very different now then it was then maybe our relationship would have changed too. we never got that chance.

Details

2011-01-11T16:37:00.002-05:00

Its only Tuesday and Im already ready for the weekend. Yesterday I get a phone call from my delivery driver. Call a wrecker. Why? The water pump blew. great Customer calls his door was not right. greater. It just seems to pour when it rains around here. and yes we had ice and rain today. I wake up to my phone ringing I was sure it was my mom about my grandma but it was just school 2 hour delay. almost gave myself a heart attack. lol that is life of the weird and crazy. I tried a new recipe for dinner. I think they licked the pan. I am trying to get everything straight. my life my bills my house my work. slowly but surely im gonna get there. so many ideas so many things i want to do.

2011-01-10T12:54:00.002-05:00

What a weekend. Grandma came home Friday. So hunny and I ate there Friday and went back with the kids Saturday for lunch and dinner. Hopefully we got the room set up how may grandma and auntie want it. It will probably change in a week or sooo after they see if this design is working fOr them. In the process of moving the furniture I broke to dresser drawers and the while washing dishes I broke a tea pot. So hunny fixed one drawer and made a new one. tea pot beyond repair. I havent gotten much sleep. I think icecream is now off the list of things I can eat or at least not eating them at night anymore. Eating isnt on the top of my list these days anyway. I did enjoy the weekend even though I worked my tail off. and boy has the week started of with a bang. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr more details to follow

2011-01-07T10:43:00.002-05:00

Tuesday my grandma went into the hospital. Hopefully she is coming home today. She has taught me sooo many things about life and love. As I sit here thinking back over all the different memories there are none that I would like to forget. I cant ever remember her saying a mean word or at least none I didnt deserve. The hugs and kisses the strength she has. I can only pray that I will be half the women she is. Life teaches you lots of lessons. The more family I lose the more I cherish the ones that are left. She is the last of my grandparents. Or maybe its the older I get the more I have learned that tomorrow is not promised. So love like there is no tomorrow.

I am looking forward to the weekend. Im thinking its going to be a cuddle up movie night Saturday. I always have big ideas for the weekend but never seem to get them all done. Why are weekends only 2 days and weeks 5 days? 3 and 4 sound better.

2011-01-02T16:36:00.002-05:00

What a day. Im working on month and year end stuff at work. Trying to get my office in some kind of order which for me is very hard cause im not an organized kind of girl. Ive decided its got to get done. Gonna lose my mind if i dont get some of this paper gone. Im also blog hopn and looking fOr a good meal planning database so that I can get my grocery addiction under control. For some reason I like to eat. I love to cook just need to get recipes and list of groceries. Ive started baking my own bread for my daughter my son likes the store bought better. I think i just need to learn to make small loaves and cut my slices thinner for him. My focus is sooo working right now it is very scary. Ive been all over the place here lately and very blue. Blue is so not like me but ive decided ive got to shake it and figure out how to get moving again. In the end its all going to workout just got to go day by day. After I leave here ive got to get the house clean. for months ive been going thru my grandma's stuff and its all over my house. got to decided what to keep and what to get rid of. all the junk in my life is just starting to pile up so its time to clean it all. my attitude my outlook my things time to clean them all and get motivated. focus focus focus.

Is it them or is it me?

2011-01-01T18:06:00.002-05:00

Have you ever left a family gathering and wondered what universe you just left? I am the first to admit that I am not normal. if there really is a normal. But sometimes after leaving my family I wonder if its them or me. After much soul searching and discussions with friends I've come to the conclusion its them. I went to eat at my mother's last night cause my brother was in town with his family. We talked during dinner which in its self is a circus. Then he gets up goes to the sofa starts playing on his computer and doesnt say 5 good words to me after that. My husband and I leave and we both look at each other and say thats odd. Not sure what I've done to make him mad this time. oh well so is life with my crazy family.

What will 2011 bring?

2010-12-30T19:02:00.002-05:00

I sit here at my desk wondering what will the next year bring. Faith and Strength are the 2 words that come to mind. Or maybe it should be strength in my faith. Faith is what makes me move in the morning. Knowing that some how God will help me get thru till the end of the day helps me breath. I also have hope of what the future brings for me and my family. I have to believe that at the end of this dark cloud is a rainbow. I draw strength from my children's laughter. oh the blessed innocences of children. I do not like what all this stress has done to change me. I will not let it rule me. So tonight when I lay my head on my pillow I will thank God for my faith, my family, my friends and my future.

2010-12-30T10:17:00.002-05:00

Christmas was great. Family friends food and love. Snow everywhere. As a child I loved the snow now I want to take a hairdrier to it. The kids and I played out in it. We made a snowman and they made a snow tunnel. But Im over the snow now. I need some sun and heat. The winter blues are getting to me or maybe its the work stress. My son got all the Star Wars movies fOr Christmas so we have watched them all. curled up on the sofa together eatn popcorn and watchn movies that is the way a snow day is suppose to be spent. now i dream of warm days with no snow.

2010-12-22T12:13:00.002-05:00

Im ready to turn the music up and forget about the outside world. To let the rhythm of the song vibrate thru my body. To let the words take me away to another place. To breath in the emotions. ahhhhhhhh

Thinking its gonna be a baking afternoon. cookies bread and cake. My son's dinner got moved to tonight cause grandma had to go to the er. We went to my husband's family last night and saw his grandma and ate with them instead. It was nice. pizza and icecream cake. I'm thinking of making a chocolate cake fOr tonight and my daughter has already asked for homemade bread. Ive got to find some new recipes for bread like cin raison bread or sweet bread. maybe i will make them some apple sauce too. im in the mood to cook and make the house smell like Christmas.

2010-12-21T08:10:00.004-05:00

Ok so I need to post before the posting police come and get me. I am sooo trying to get into the Christmas spirit but having a very hard time. We havent put out the yard ornaments. I still have one tree in the attic to get down and decorate. no Christmas cards done. Three years ago my grandmother died Christmas eve morning. I was by her side holding her hand telling her it was ok. It is hitting me hard this year. My other grandma is not doing to great this year. I have soo many things to be greatful for. Last year we werent sure my grandma would be here this Christmas but here she is one tough cookie. We each have our own problems mine are small compared to others. My husband is sooo great. my glue my rock. He keeps me going and doesnt fuss when all I want to do is just fall apart. He keeps telling me everything is gonna be ok.

On to better things. Today is my son's 10th birthday. He has grown soo fast. We are going to have dinner at my mom's cause he said he wanted to have dinner with grandma (my grandma). That is what he told me he wanted for his birthday. hamburgers and icecream cake and family. there is nothing better in this world than family and love.

2010-12-17T13:40:00.002-05:00

I know Im weird but Im not crazy. Thought something was lost but I knew I had sent it to the right place. The place just didnt handle it properly. scared the bageebees out of me. stress can make you crazy. lol Im back on mtdew at night. need the caffine and sugar to keep me going. also gonna try taking b12 again. multi vitamins make me crazier than i usually am so just gonna try the b12 by itself. i sooo dream of the day when the weather man says snow day and i can just go back to sleep. no worry no stress. i keep praying and breathing.

2010-12-16T16:17:00.003-05:00

What makes us dreams the things we do? I dreamed the other night about a store here in town that always has Christmas decorations in its windows. I was driving by it and the windows were empty. not a thing in them. I love to look at their windows at Christmas. is it my lack of Christmas spirit? maybe my lack of Christmas. I have not started really shopping yet for my angels. I plan on doing it all this weekend. every last gift of every last person. lol. then I want to bake. my bread maker is hating me. I've been using it almost every night. my daughter is now in love with homemade bread and jelly sandwiches. they need to make a special sandwich carrier just for homemade bread its too big for the regular carriers. and boy do i jump from one topic to another. no wonder my friends laugh at me when we go out.

2010-12-16T15:46:00.002-05:00

I've been here. just not here. the story of my life. I sometimes feel like I'm just breathing so I can get thru the next minute. My stars get out of school this week for Christmas. When they go back new rules for mom. Im letting stress rule me and Im tired of it. I feel like Im letting them down. I forget silly things and dont check homework so then in the morning we are running around like crazier people. no more. I've got to get back to where I was. Life will always have stress. there will always be bills. one day at a time one problem at a time. organization is not my friend but i've got to learn to do better. better use of my time so that i can be a better mom. winter blues have no place in my life. its my life and i'm taking it back. i pray for change and i have to work towards it too. focus on the finish line but dont forget to run the race.

2010-12-07T13:13:00.002-05:00

I will not let the worries of my life rule me.

COLD

2010-12-06T13:52:00.002-05:00

I dont like the cold. If I wear enough clothes to stay warm, I cant move. I think I still have toes. lol. But it wouldnt feel like Christmas if is wasnt cold. As a child I would dream of having a white Christmas. Snow on the ground riding my sled to Grandma's house. I think as we get older we get sooo wrapped up in all our everyday chores that we forget the magic. The magic of dancing in the rain or running around in the yard with our mouths open trying to catch the first few flakes of snow that fall. We get in such a hurry to going from house to house at Christmas that we forget why we even wanted to go there in the first place. We forget to sit and listen to the stories of our family. To laugh and love. Its not about what is under the tree but what is under our skin. The joy of the season is often lost in the "present"ation. This year as I sit and listen to my family talk I will try to take it all in and guard the memories in my heart. Will my children remember that they didnt get that new cd or will they remember that we all sat around the table laughing and loving? I remember the Christmas that I spent a whole day wrapping my aunt's Christmas presents for her cause she was too sick to wrap them herself. She would tell me whos gift it was and the tell me which paper to wrap the present in. She died later that week just a week before Christmas. I dont remember what I got for Christmas that year just that she gave me the best gift of all that year. Her love and memories. Time is the most precious gift of all.

TIME FLIES

2010-12-04T10:28:00.002-05:00

Where has the year gone? Wasn't it just January? They say the older we get the faster time flies. When I was young the school year seemed to last forever now it just goes by sooo fast. My son turns double digits this month. It is very hard for me to believe that he is that old. If I admit he is that old then I have to admit that I am old enough to have a child that old. lol. He was my miracle child. The drs never thought I would carry him full term. They didnt even write him up as a pregnancy till I was 4 months pregnant. I know God has awesome plans for him. As I watch him grow, I wonder what he will be when he grows up. Does he know how much he is loved? Am I teaching him everything he needs to know? I think all parents worry about these answers. We look back and wonder could we have done something different. At the end of the day I know I am not the perfect mother but when he says "Mom can you lay with me for a little bit before I go to sleep?" I know those days are getting fewer and fewer so I better cherish the times he does ask.

A PLACE TO THINK

2010-12-03T13:31:00.002-05:00

I have a place that I love to go to to just think and be closer to God. If I cant actually go there I just think about being there. I listen to the wind and just let my thoughts go with the wind. The memories of all the times I have spent there. The laughter the tears. I can remember as a child flying kites there. As a teenager I would run there. My quiet spot. It has changed very little from when I was a child. The pear tree is bigger but neglected. The old path is gone. The person that now farms the land got rid of the path and joined the two fields. I use to imagine the old path led to my house in the woods. My home surrounded by my quiet spot. Time changes the looks of everything but the memories are mine to love.

DREAMS

2010-12-02T10:13:00.002-05:00

I just remembered what I was dreaming about last night. Grandma's house ghost and floating heads. Maybe being sick is making my dreams weird or the fact that I talked to my brother yesterday. I was at grandma's house for some reason and kept seeing my father and grandma trying to scare who ever was with me. Guess I thought it was totally normal cause they didnt scare me I just told them to stop. Thats all I remember right now. My dreams have always be a little wierd lol. I know why I am dreaming of her now. My grandma died Christmas eve morning 3 years ago. I always start dreaming about her and my father when it gets close to their dates. Unfinished business I guess. I wonder if I will ever get it straight enough in my head to stop the dreams.

2010-11-29T16:18:00.002-05:00

The stress of my job gets to me alot theses days. I pray alot. The peace that I get from praying is the most wonderful feeling. I know God has a great plan for me and that I just have to keep praying for Him to help me follow His plan. I am greatful that He gave me my husband to keep me glued together. I am blessed with everything that I have. What I want most out of life is to be a great wife and mother. Everything else no longer matters. I feel like my husband and children have been getting the short end of the deal here lately. I am trying hard to fix that. So I pray every day that God will lead me where He wants me. I can not fix my past mistakes I can only move forward.

Time

2010-11-29T13:19:00.004-05:00

Does time really matter? If we dont eat right at the time the dinner party is suppose to start, does it really matter? I wonder if the pilgrams ate right at the exact time they told the indians to be there. Why is it an issue? And why do rude comments have to be made? I like to relax and talk to people while I am cooking. If all the food is exactly ready at the selected time then most of the time I would be eating by myself or watching the food get cold waiting for "guest" to arrive. Holidays are suppose to be a time of happiness and fun family gatherings. Not full of stress that if everything is not perfect then we are going to be told how we did it wrong. (wrong as in not the way you would do it) Sad that now the holidays are full of hurt feelings. I do sooo love my family and cherish every minute I get with them. I fully understand that next year my family will have fewer members. Ten years from now it wont matter if we ate at 5 or 6 it will matter who we ate with and the memories that we made. happy or sad one that is question.

BOXES

2010-11-26T12:13:00.003-05:00

My grandmother died a few years ago. She left me all the items in her house. Well she never threw anything away. I went thru what I could at the time and put the rest in storage. I am now trying to go thru each box and get rid of stuff. Problem being I have a hard time getting rid of stuff too. My husband can get rid of almost anything. I am attached to this stuff. Each piece holds a memory. And I know its just stuff. Im hoping by the end of the weekend to have what I already have at home either put in a proper place or in the trash. Why is it that we hold on to things? They can be the strangest item but we cant seem to part with them. Letting go is sooo hard.

THANKSGIVING

2010-11-24T08:56:00.002-05:00

I have soo very much to be thankful for. I am very blessed. I have a husband that loves me no matter how much I mess up. He is my glue. My stars ground me but never let me forget that the world is a magical place. My mom taught me to be strong. As I think about it most of the women in my life have taught me to be strong. Life is not always easy. We have to learn from our mistakes. When life gets hard we pray harder. I love thanksgiving because I get to see family members that dont live right here around me. My family is my love all else comes second in my heart. not always in my time but in my heart yes. Im thankful that God shows us His love everyday. Im thankful for friends that help me along this road. Thanksgiving should not be one day a year it should be every day of the year.

2010-11-24T07:46:00.002-05:00

Since I'm ready for a change in my life I think its time for a change in my blog. Time to look a little more grown up. out with the old in with the new.

WORDS

2010-11-23T12:01:00.002-05:00

So many. Its funny how I come back here. To leave my words so I can breath again. To feel free on all that is weighing me down. I am trying to hold it all together yet it is slowly slipping thru my hands. I am ready to let it go. To be finished with this dream that is now a nightmare. So I pray every minute that it will soon be over. That I can move on to a much better dream with my love. I know it will happen. I have a peace that only comes with knowing God is going to get me thru this. I just have to wait for His time. This blog is like an addiction. I try to let go of it but it calls me over and over. I can leave it but it will always call me back. The words that are here. the feelings. They are all a map of my heart. So much to say. My love is my anchor. Holding me and making sure that the storm of life does not drown me. My stars are getting bigger and shining brighter than ever. They are my light at the end of this tunnel.

changes

2010-11-22T10:36:00.002-05:00

We cant make the world stop turning so we have to change with it. I am very ready for this change. I pray about it every day. It will be sad but oh so great in other ways. I am excited just praying that it happens soon.

2008-12-18T14:37:00.002-05:00

The year is almost over and what a year it has been. I was just reading over so old post and came across the fact that use to keep waking up at 3am. I had forgoten that. But here is that old problem again. The last week I have woken up at 3am. I dont sleep good. I roll and turn I keep my hunny awake. Grrrrrrrrrrr I have let the old ghost start bothering me again. I cant stop the dreams. I know why but not how to stop them. They always start in December and end in February. The closer I get to their dates the worse it gets. Is it their way of telling me not to forget you? Because I think of them all the time. The images of their faces are always here. I know they watch over me. The stress of everything is really getting to me. Worse than usual. I am trying to fix it just doesnt happen as fast as I want it to. Or maybe its that I need it to. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel but I think it is broken. I will get there. Just got to focus. What a year. I held first my grandmother's and then my grandfather's hand while they both took their last breath. Telling them both that it was ok to stop fighting. To go home to God. I am the strong one. I face whatever has to be done no matter if I dont want to. Why is it that some hide from it leaving the "strong one" to handle it? Do they not realize that we have times that we want to hide too? Problem being there is noone else to do it for us? So we face our responciblities and keep on going. Only later do we come to understand that we arent strong. Our hearts cry but how do we explain what we went thru to you when you didnt even want to be there when it happened? We want to protect you. But in the process I have messed up my emotions. So I am to blame for the not sleeping. the nightmares are of my own doing. I have to learn that I cant change it accept it and love them forever and move on.

2008-10-30T20:39:00.002-04:00

I wonder. Will you be mad? Will you understand? I am not made to be what I tried so hard to be. I hope I will make you proud. But it is time to focus on my family. To not make the same mistakes over again. To love and give all of myself. To help him be the best that he can be not for himself but for us. One of us has to give and I have always known that it would be me. To love him. His is my rock the glue that holds me together. What good is this without him what good is life without love?

"Someone is always worse off than you"

2008-04-03T17:21:00.003-04:00

I have heard that saying over and over. And I know it is very true. I am truly blessed. I happened to come across a blog today that reminded me of that. The issues I have in my life are nowhere near are bad as others are. So I take a deep breath and thank God for his awesome love and I cowboy up. So the next few months I will be a busy bee but when have I been know to sleep.

10 years

2008-02-11T13:23:00.000-05:00

Its 10 years today. And yet it only seems like yesterday. Soo much has happened since that night. Soo much I would have loved for you to share in. What would today be like if you had not died? I know I cant change the past. And some of the past I wouldnt. But to have had your guidance would I have made the same mistakes? I will never know. I have learned alot in the past ten years. Dont take tomorrow for granted cause you may not have it again. Tell the ones you love that you love them every day. Kiss you children good night and hug then one more time even if you have already hugged them a million times that day. Oh how I miss you. I know I have messed up alot but I am getting it together. I should have listened to you from the beginning. You knew this dream wouldnt last forever. But new ones come. I hope I have made you just a little proud of me. Tell grandma Im sorry. and thank you. I hope I did right by her in ya'll eyes. So much to tell you. Daddy he looks so much like you at times. You must have had a big hand in him making it here. I wonder if you would approve of my love. Funny how he is like you. Did you approve of the other one? I sometimes wonder that. Just cause of somethings you said and did. or maybe you were like that cause you were not ready to get rid of me. I love you daddy. Please believe that.

2008-02-05T13:35:00.000-05:00

The nightmares have started again. Why is it that every year at this time I let them take over? I want to dream of him but I want them to be happy. I want him to know that I am happy and I want to know that he is happy for me. But they all seem warped. I know I am stressed to the max. It is all going to get better very soon. It has to. I am sooo close. Just got to focus.

Dreams

2008-01-08T15:44:00.000-05:00

There are some dreams that you just have to let go of. Maybe you out grow them. Maybe they are no longer healthy for you and your family. Why hurt your family over a dream? I have learned that lesson sooo very well over the last few years. And yes I do believe I am letting go of a dream but I am also helping another by doing this. In the end, my family is the one that is either hurt or wins. I have to do what is best for my family. My father once taught me this lesson and at the time I didnt realize it. He sold something he loved (and dreamed of using for his other dream) so that he could help pay for my schooling. At the time I thought nothing of it really. But now looking back he did what he thought in the end would be better for his family. We all have to grow up at some point and realize the world does not revolve around us. My oldest dream is having a family that knows they are loved. Im scared that if I keep trying for this other dream I have that I will never achieve my first. I sometimes wonder if it didnt already help destroy one. I cant change past mistakes but I can take action not to repeat the same mistakes again. A dream for a dream. Not a bad thing.

2008-01-02T22:44:00.000-05:00

I've been accussed of not posting enough. Life got all messed up after the last post. Seems everytime I think its getn better I get smacked again. Thats life. I either accept or I slowly die to the world. There have been days that if it werent for my sweetie gluing me back together I would have lost it. If it were not for him telling me he loved me and that we would make it thru it I would have never stopped crying. Even though I have done things that I may never forgive myself for God still blessed me with a man that accepts me.
I have been busy with work and family issues. And if you know me you know I have lots of issues. But it will be ok. Im focused on the finish line. You cant have the rainbows without the rain. Im alive and will try to post more often.

2007-11-06T08:57:00.000-05:00

The Corrs - Runaway

Say it's true, there's nothing like me and you
Not alone, tell me you feel it too
And I would runaway
I would runaway, yeah
I would runaway
I would runaway with you .

(Chorus)

Cause I have fallen in love
With you, no never have
I'm never gonna stop falling in love, with you .
Close the door, lay down upon the floor
And by candlelight, make love to me through the night
Cause I have runaway
I have runaway, yeah
I have runaway, runaway
I have runaway with you .

(Chorus) .

And I would runaway
I would runaway, yeah
I would runaway
I would runaway with you .

(Chorus)

My dearest love,
How I was blessed the day you decided to love me. Me for me. My messes my fault. With all that I am I will love you. I give you my love and my life from today to forever. Here is my heart it is now yours. Two past One future.

2007-07-27T07:22:00.000-04:00

Big Girls Don't Cry lyrics
Da Da Da Da
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity
[CHORUS:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay
[CHORUS]
Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be my Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outsideI need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity
[CHORUS]
La Da Da Da Da Da

Yes I'm still alive. Just sooo much going on. Sooo little time and sooo much to do. So much to tell but not just yet not going to jenks myself. Time will reveal all secrets.

2007-06-26T14:09:00.000-04:00

Fall by Clay Walker

Hold up there you go again
Puttin on that smile again
Even though I know you’ve had a bad day
Doin this and doin that
Always puttin’ yourself last
A whole lotta give and not enough take
But you can only be strong so long before you break…
So fall go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
Ill catch you every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt every fear every worry every tear
Im right here
Baby fall
Forget about the world tonight
All that’s wrong and all that’s right
Lay your head on my shoulder let it fade away
And if you wanna let go baby its okay
Fall go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
Ill catch you every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear
Im right here
Baby fall
Hold on hold on hold on to me...
Fall go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
Ill catch you every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear
Im right here
Baby fall

This song reminds me of my sweetie. Whenever I'm upset, he just tells me to lay my head on his chest and let it all out. Here lately I've had to do that alot. So much going on and cant keep that smile all the time. To hard to. Whats even harder is not telling him why I was crying. I couldnt. How in the world do you tell the man you love that you may have to give him up? I couldnt ask him to take on what I thought I was going to have to. It wouldnt have been fair to him. All is better now and we are planning our future together. How awesome that sounds Our future. I cant believe it. I do soo love him. And sometimes it is very weird to look back at the path that has gotten us here. I know our path together will not always be a smooth one but I have to keep focused on the goal not the obsticle. There will be bumps in the road but we will always be on it together. Hand in hand we will make it.

2007-06-21T16:12:00.000-04:00

What a week. Im tired and worn out need a vacation. Need a good nights sleep. Why do some people in our lives make it their duty in life to try to make our lives harder? Why is it so hard to say ya know we will never be friends but lets suck it up and at least be civil? Are you still mad at me cause I couldnt take it anymore? Im not mad at you cause you couldnt love me or make time for me. You are who you are. I accept that. But then may be you are that evil and hateful and never happy person. Maybe you have turned into your parents. But the question is do you want that for your children?

2007-06-09T12:21:00.000-04:00

I went shopping last night and got a new cd. Nelly Furtado. I got it for one song Say It Right. love that song. Then I found this song.

"In God's Hands"

I looked at your face I saw that all the love had died
I saw that we had forgotten to take the time
I, I saw that you couldn't care less about what you do
Couldn't care less about the lies
You couldn't find the time to cry
We forgot about love
We forgot about faith
We forgot about trust
We forgot about us
Now our love's floating out the window
Our love's floating out the back door
Our love's floating up in the sky in heaven
Where it began back in God's hands
You said that you had said all that you had to say
You said baby it's the end of the day
And we gave a lot but it wasn't enough
We got so tired that we just gave up
We didn't respect it
We went and neglected it
We didn't deserve it
But I never expected this
Our love floated out the window
Our love floated out the back door
Our love floated up in the sky to heaven
It's part of a plan
It's back in God's hands
Back in God's hands
It didn't last
It's a thing of the past
Oh we didn't understand
Just what we had
Oh I want it back
Just what we had
Oh I want it back
Oh just what we had

I know this song. Its like I wrote it. I know exactly how it feels to watch your love disappear and to sit there and wish there was a way t oget it back. I dont know if that is even possible. After the love is gone can you make it come back? After all the heartache is it possible? I get scared sometimes that if love is able to be lost will it happen again? That maybe my sweetie will wake up one day and not love me anymore like my ex and I did? But I know I can not compair the two. And I cant judge one by what the other did. I am a different person and he is not my ex so the equation is different. I just hope and pray. I want to grow old with this man I want to see everything with him. But most of all I want forever with him.

2007-06-08T15:34:00.000-04:00

Thank God for Girlfriends

Need a night out away from the problems of my life. Girls going out and we gonna have fun. No men. Just girls laughing and being our silly selves. Not caring what the people around us think. Girls just wanna have fun. Time to forget what has been happening lately and just chat. Good food and great conversation.

I have learned over the last few weeks that the generation gap sucks. Usually a child would later in life take care of the parent. But not in my case. My grandmother lost both her children in one year. Thank God my uncle keeps everything straight for her but here lately she is needing more help and at the end of the day my brother and I are all she really has. With him not here it has been up to me to help my uncle get things straight and I cant ask him to do it all. She is my grandmother but the missing generation sucks. I know not what to do. If she has to end up living with me I will have to give up a few of my dreams. Maybe I wont but how do I ask the man I love the most in the world to take this on wit me. I cant. I love him too much for that. Its not fare for him. He has dreams and I will not destroy them. But if I give up my dreams will it destroy me?

2007-06-02T07:43:00.000-04:00

I heard this song on the way to work this morning. What a beatiful morning it is. The sun just starting to shine in all its beauty and all I could think of is that one day I want to get married in the moring just as the day starts anew. A new beginning should start when the sun rises. Everything is fresh and glowing. Why do we get married in the afternoon and at night?
Beautiful As You lyrics

From the moment I saw you
From the moment I looked into your eyes
There was something about you I knew, I knew
That you were once in a lifetime
A treasure near impossible to find
And I know how lucky I am to have you

Cause I've seen rainbows that could take your breath away
The beauty of the setting sun, on any given day
And when it comes to shooting stars I have seen a few
But I've never seen anything as beautiful as you

I can't believe that I have you
I can't believe that you're here in my arms
I've been waiting a life time for you, for youAnd I've dreamed about you
Pictured in my mind who I would see
But I never imagined just how beautiful you'd be

Cause I've seen rainbows that could take your breath away(take your breath away)
The beauty of the setting sun, on any given day (any given day)
And when it comes to shooting stars I have seen a few
But I've never seen anything as beautiful as you
I've seen rainbows that could take your breath away (take your breath away)

The beauty of the setting sun, on any given day
And when it comes to shooting stars I have seen a few
But I've never seen anything as beautiful
But I've never seen anything as beautiful as you
From the moment I saw you
From the moment I looked into your eyes

2007-05-29T15:06:00.000-04:00

Well I faced part of my fear. And yes I got the answer I wanted in my round about way. I got that answer and then thought I was going to have to give it up. So much going on right now not sure where to start or how to fix it. If I had the answer then I would know what I have to do. I cant ask him to face all of this with me. But is it right for me to give up everything that I want? Can they ask me to give up the man I love and my dreams? Do I have to give him up to do what is needed of me? I cant ask him to change his life for my responsibilities? I dont have the answers. One day at a time. Keep my eyes on the goal. Dream of the future. I am sooo close but in other ways soo far from it. All I can do is pray.

2007-05-21T15:58:00.000-04:00

I am moody because I dont know the answer.
I dont know the answer because Im scared to ask the question.
Im scared to ask the question because of the answer I might get.
The answer I might get is that Im gonna lose you.
Im gonna lose you because Im moody.

Round and round I go.

If Im gona lose you might as well do it before I lose my mind and before you hate me. Me being moody only makes matters worse not better. And if I dont tell you how I feel how are you suppose to know what is going on in my head. I can see our future together and how great it could be if only I could get over my fear of the present. The fear of the unknown the fear of not being good enough the fear of not being loved Knowing or not knowing doesnt make you love me. Just make me moody.

2007-05-04T12:46:00.000-04:00

I wonder if you know ........

I love to watch you sleep.
I dream of the day that I can sleep in your arms every night.
That I am scared that you will stop loving me.
I buy peanut butter kisses for you hoping you think of me every time you eat one.
I want to ask you if you want the picket fence but am sooo scared that the answer will be no.
I love you more every minute.

2007-04-30T16:54:00.000-04:00

Time sure does fly when you are busy as a beaver. Here it is almost May and Im still trying to finish January. Where does the time go? Took me over 15 minutes to get in here to post cause for some reason they didnt like my password. Trying to make me think I lost my mind. Ha I got them there I dont have a mind to lose.

year #9

2007-02-11T22:51:00.000-05:00

Well Dad here we are at year #9. So much time and yet it was only yesterday. My son asked me today why granddaddy wrecked his car? Oh how I wished I knew that answer. How did it happen? Why did it happen? If I had been there would it have been different or would I also be dead? I know that I cant change the past. Maybe one day I will have the answers. All I know is that I miss you and Daddy I love you. They say time heals all wounds. I think that is another fairy tale that people have tried to brain wash us with. Time on heals the cut but the scare is always left behind. There to remind you every day what happened.

2006-07-29T13:54:00.000-04:00

Funny how you can listen to a song over and over and then one day it hits you that this song could be about you. Its strange how one person can put up with soo much from someone just cause they love them. To tell them not to apologize for being moody cause that is part of their personality and that is why they love you. To accept a person flaws and all the baggage and love them for them. To dry the tears and laugh at ya when you are silly. To laugh at ya when you wake them up in the night cause you want to tell them about a new tool you saw. To understand the tap on your hand as you are holding me tight just before I fall asleep is cause I want the last thing I hear that night is that you love me. To understand that there is a fine line in our lives between work and us and that when work crosses over into us that it has to been done lightly. Business is business and us is us. To understand that sometimes I just need you to hold me no words no questions just hold me till the tears stop. To understand that there are somethings that I just cant explain. And to understand that sometimes Im to scared to say I love you first that I need to be reassured that you love me before I can tell you. Yes I know Im a mental case and I love you more cause you know I am and still love me.

Kelly Clarkson - You Found Me Lyrics

Is this a dream?
If it is
Please don't wake me from this high
I've become comfortably numb
Until you opened up my eyes
To what it's like
When everything's right
I can't believe
You found me
When no one else was lookin'
How did you know just where I would be?
Yeah, you broke through
All of my confusion
The ups and the downs
And you still didn't leave
I guess that you saw what nobody could see
You found me
You found me
So, here we are
That's pretty far
When you think of where we've been
No going back
I'm fading out
All that has faded me within
You're by my side
Now everything's fine
I can't believe
You found me
When no one else was lookin'
How did you know just where I would be?
Yeah, you broke through
All of my confusion
The ups and the downs
And you still didn't leave
I guess that you saw what nobody could see
You found me
You found me
And I was hiding
'Til you came along
And showed me where I belong
You found me
You found me
When no one else was lookin'
How did you know?
How did you know?
You found me
When no one else was lookin'
How did you know just where I would be?
Yeah, you broke through
All of my confusion
The ups and the downs
And you still didn't leave
I guess that you saw what nobody could see
You found me
(You found me)
(When no one else was lookin')
You found me
(How did you know just where I would be?)
You broke through
All of my confusion
The ups and the downs
And you still didn't leave
I guess that you saw what nobody could see
The good and the bad
And the things in between
You found me
You found me

2006-06-29T18:06:00.000-04:00

Yes I am alive. Oh my how time flies. Lets see. Madman asked how the dress was or the wedding well lets just say I was way over dressed for a redneck wedding. the women had on pants and not dressy ones. My sweetie nearly beat the heck out of a redneck. Seems as I was walking outside one of the many drunk idiots outside motioned like he was going to pull my dress up. Not good idea on his part. One Im a mean B who knows how to defend herself and two my sweetie is the silent quiet type. Oh you will get a kick out of this one. One person was soo drunk they fell out by their car. When I saw her I thought that her and her sweetie were having sex in the grass. nope just trying to stand her back up. What else have I been up to hmmmmmmmmm work work work and more work. I am officially old. Ive had a bday my little star has had a bday. I got the bestest bday present from my sweetie. And it didnt cost him a thing. I soo love this man. and pray that it will work out with him. He is my calm my rock and my love. I wonder how a man like him could ever love me. The real me the true me but yet he does. When I hear him say I love you I want to cry. Our roads have always been near each other but how they crossed and joined I will never know. What scares me the most is that one day it all will end just as fast as it began. But this I cant control so love him I will till the day I die.

When the dark clouds cover your life
Call me
When the rain pours down
Call me
When your one step from the edge
Call me
And i'll come running
You were there for me
So im here for you
You were my rock
My light in the storm
You wiped away my tears
So here I am
No matter what comes
Im here for you
Just remember to call
Just remember to call
Just remember to call
And I'll come running to you

wooohooooo its Friday

2006-05-19T14:39:00.000-04:00

What a week. My Stars have had to come to work with me every morning. Poor sweeties. They have been soo good about getting up early. So here is is Friday and Im going out with my bf and another friend tonight. wooohooooooo women be shopping. I have to find the perfect dress for a wedding that I am going to. Not slutty but not nunish. A turn your head dress. A make my sweetie drool dress. But at the same time make his mom happy. I got new hightlights in my hair yesterday. I cant wait to wash it and style it myself so I can see how it really looks. Right now they are fire engine red in the light. Scares me alittle. But hopefully once I wash it will be ok. If not my bf will fix it. She thinks its pretty but Im a freak when it comes to my hair. I thing I have had every shade of red put on my hair. So lately all I have really done is work. But this weekend I have lots of stuff to do. Tball game and cookout. I cant believe that the season is already over. They have changed so much from how they played at the beginning of the season. Sunday i am suppose to sing in church but I didnt make practice last night so hopefully I wont have to. Then I have a cookout with my sweetie's family. That is always an interest experience. Im the freak in the group. The loud one the crazy one some times I wonder why he is even dating me. Well back to work

2006-05-08T11:54:00.000-04:00

I have decided I am one moody witch at times. I am the queen of PMS. I am a hormonal freak. lol maybe Im just a freak. I sometimes wonder how the world even puts up with me. But I am who I am. One week a month I should live in a cave away from the rest of the world. I have decided I can truely be hateful. Gonna really have to work on that. But now I am back to normal if I was ever really normal to begin with.
Work is busy. I like busy. I am cleaning and organizing everything. If it aint nailed down it better have a home or its out the door. You wouldnt believe how old some of the stuff I am finding is. I think some if it came across on the Mayflower.
The stars are great. They are getting big. How time flies. My daughter has surgery on her ears soon. Maybe this time it will work. I just want her ears not to hurt her anymore. I can believe my babies arent babies anymore. Its tball now and then boyfriends and girlfriend. lol
Well back to work for me.

The "L" word

2006-05-01T16:39:00.000-04:00

To use or not to use?
To say or not to say?

What are the proper rules for the use of this word?
Are there any rules?
And if there are, why are there rules?

I have loved you from the day I gave myself to you. Yet I have waited till now to tell you. Hoping and praying you felt the same. Maybe you do maybe you dont. I'm tired of being scared to say them. I do love you with all that I am and ever will be. There will always be a you and me but what I want to know is will there ever be a WE?

2006-04-29T14:04:00.000-04:00

I cant believe how fast the last year has gone. Times flies when your having fun with the one you love. And yes I love him. And grrrrrrrrrrr at the fact that I am a chicken. No becca I havent done what I told you I was going to. But it time for me to change that. Time for me to face my fears. How is it that one little kiss can mean soo much?

Baby, Dont Break My Heart Slowly

2006-04-17T14:37:00.000-04:00

Words by vonda shepard
Music by vonda shepard & james newton howard

I like the way you wanted me
Every night for so long baby
I like the way you needed me
Every time things got rocky
I was believing in you
Am I mistaken do you say,
Do you say what you mean
I want our love to last forever(chorus)
But I’d rather you be mean than love and lie
I’d rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I’d rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don’t you break my heart slow
I like the way you’d hold me
Every night for so long baby
And I like the way you’d say my name
In the middle of the night
While you were sleeping
I was believing in you
Was I mistaken
Do you mean, mean what you say
When you say our love could last forever
(chorus)
Well I’d rather you be mean than love and lie
I’d rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I’d rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don’t you break my heart slow
(bridge)
You would run around and lead me on forever
While I wait at home thinking that we’re together
I wanted our love to last forever
(chorus)
Well I’d rather you be mean than love and lie
I’d rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I’d rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don’t you break my heart slow
(chorus)

I heard this song last night and fell in love with it. Not knowing where you stand with someone can be as painful as knowing they dont love you like you love them.

2006-04-15T07:32:00.000-04:00

How did you get the idea for your profile name? cause I love to laugh
What song are you playing now, or wish you were playing? Are you strong enough to be my man
Has the death of a celebrity ever made you cry? yes life ends in an instant with no warning
What colour underwear are you wearing? tehehe black thong
Do you want a baby? yes is 12 too many?
What does your dad do for a living? n/a
What does your mum do for a living? keeps me sane
What is/are your pet's name(s)? Mini fish
What colour are your bed sheets? mine are black his are red
What are the last 3 digits of your phone number? 911
What was the last concert you went to? does your childs school program count?
Who was with you? my stars
What was the last film you watched? Dora something
Who do you dislike most at this moment? not being in the bed with my sweetie
What food do you crave right now? my sweetie
Did you dream last night? te hehe I cant type that here
What was the last TV show you watched? the news
What is your fav piece of jewellery? my white gold earrings that my stars gave me
What was the last thing you ate? te hehe *blushes
Who is your best friend of the opposite sex? my sweetie
Who last MSN'd you? Sprinx
Where is your significant other right now? in bed
Do you have a crush? no crush just a love
What is his/her name? sweetie
When was the last time you had your hair cut? months ago
Are you on any meds? yeppers
Do you have a mental disease? hmmmmmm i dont think so
What shirt are you wearing? pink
Are you sexy? nope
What's your favourite store? Old Navy
Are you thirsty? nope
Can you imagine yourself ever getting married? yes
Who's someone you haven't seen in a while and miss? my dad
Where do you work? i work?

Ok i finally did my tag so Sprinx and Dev I tag you.

2006-04-09T23:43:00.000-04:00

Have you ever loved someone so much that you would give up what makes you the happiest to make them happy?

There are those loves that if you had met them at a different time in your life you know in your heart that ya'll would have been perfect together. Another time another place.

2006-04-08T07:44:00.000-04:00

Where to start? Lets see. Yes I am alive. Work is busy. My Stars have been sick so I've been back and forth to the drs with them for 2 weeks. My daughter now has to have her 3rd set of tubes put in her ears. And the dr has no idea when he can schedule the surgery. Hopefully in the next few weeks. My son has started tball. They are sooo cute playing. He loves it. I cant believe how fast they are growing up. Seems like it was just yesterday when I had them. I hope more are in my future one day. Well got to get back to work.

"Some folks feel the rain .... Others just get wet"

2006-03-26T23:16:00.000-05:00

The first thing that came to mind when i saw this title was something that happened to me a few years ago. My ex and I were leaving our marriage councelor's office, it was a sunny afternoon but it was also raining. I decided to dance around in the rain. My ex just looked at me like I had lost my mind. Ive always loved to dance in the ratn and at that moment I saw how different we were. Being different is not a problem if the other person can imbrace the difference and love you for your little quirks. Its when they look at you like the men in white coats should come get you that you know its not going to work. We can either embrace life or we can just get wet. We can stop to smell the roses or just throw them away when they die. We can accept the challenges of the moment or spend our whole lives hiding. So do you feel the rain or just get wet?

2006-03-17T07:08:00.000-05:00

Why is it that people tell lies to make themselves look better? Better yet why is it that family tells lies to make them look better over you? What did I do for you to hate me so? You have always been her favorite and now she thinks I stole from her. All I have ever done is adore you. Look up to you. All I wanted was for you to love me. I followed your shadow hoping one day you would notice me. I would have died for you. If you needed anything I had I would have given it to you. I would have given you my heart if you needed it but now it is broken. How could you let her believe these things? What I have learned in the last year is that the world is not inherently good its evil. If you cant trust family who can you trust? You have won. You have broken my spirit. The job I love is now tanted. No matter what I do they will never trust me or respect me. I know Im not perfect and I have done somethings that I am not proud of and will probably never forgive myself of but you let them believe that I stole from them.

To you who believes I stole from you. Why not ask me? Why not ask for my side? How dare you judge me before even asking me. You helped raise me and you believe this about me. How does that reflect on you? How dare you come here and not even say hello. How dare you? And God help me for loving you.

2006-03-15T15:52:00.000-05:00

I Can't Unlove You Lyrics
By Kenny Rodgers
Postcards and letters
Pictures made to last forever
To Be boxed up
and tossed away
Nick-Nacs, Souvenirs

In an afternoon
Their out of here
They dissapear without a trace
What they mean to me can never be replaced

[chorus]
I cant unthink about you
I cant unfeel your touch
I cant unhear all the words
Unsay all the things that used to mean so much
I wish i could unremember everything
My hearts been through
Im finding out its impossible to do
Oh, its no use
I cant unlove you

Interstates and old songs
Like time they go on and on
I guess i could learn to do the same
I could wake up without you
These two arms not around you
Tell myself its meant to be this way
No matter how i try
Some things i cant change.

[chorus]

I wish i could unremember
Everything my hearts been through
Im finding out its impossible to doIts no use
I cant unlove you

2006-03-10T06:53:00.000-05:00

Ok its official no more icecream before bed. I have some messed up dreams when I eat icecream. But some are cool. I didnt know I could fly a fighter jet. But why do they all have to be about death?

2006-03-09T09:45:00.000-05:00

To those that may be wondering. Yes I am alive. Been redoing my showroom. So Ive been working killer hours but Im almost done wooooooohooooooooooo and it looks great.

Need or Want

2006-02-27T23:02:00.000-05:00

Do you want him?

Do you need him?

Do you want to wake up in his arms?

Do you need to wake up in his arms?

Its weird how people can say I dont need him/her but I want them. You cant really have it both ways. If you want them and dont need them at the same time its not love. This need is not like you needing to pay the bills but you needing to breathe and eat. Its the point at which you are no longer 2 seperate souls but one. Without the other half you are empty. A song without the music. How can a person that is suppose to love another look into their eyes and in the same breath say I love you. I dont need you but I want you. Want is a desire. Desires fade.

Fortune cookies

2006-02-20T15:47:00.000-05:00

The longest journey is the journey inwards.

The stars appear every night in the sky. All is well.

2006-02-20T08:39:00.000-05:00

I had the bestest time Friday night wiff my bestest friend. She has been there for me thru everthing these last 2 years and before that. We spend the night working on our scrapbooks and laughing. I love it when we can get together and just talk and laugh. I am almost finish with my son's first year professional pics. Just got to do his title page and Im done. Sad that he is 5 and Im just getn it finished. Hopefully I will get my daughters done before she is 5.
Saturday she colored my hair. Hehe I get red highlights. I love red. And boy do I have the attitude for red. then she cut it. btw for you men out there at no time should you say "how much did she cut off your hair looks shorter" never good. specially when your sweetie hates getn her hair cut.
Work work work for me today. maybe I will get home before my sweetie goes to bed.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

2006-02-14T10:09:00.000-05:00

Why do we need a special day to tell the ones we love that we love them? Shouldn't we tell them everyday? Today is offically Valentine's Day but I've decided to move it to Saturday. So that gives me 4 more days to figure out how to say what I want to say. Becca Im not going to chicken out this time. Its time to say it and see what happens. If its not meant to be then better to know now then later. Ive already given him my heart now I just need to tell him that I love him.

2006-02-11T07:45:00.000-05:00

Its been 8 years and yet it seems like it just happened. I still remember the words the feeling the tears. I remember the call. And in that instant my life changed. I was the glue that held everything together when all I wanted to do was fall apart. No one in my family knows that I blame myself. That I think about what if I had been there. That it was my words that broke his heart. I know he hold no hard feelings toward me cause daddies never do. And he knows I punish myself enough. Just one last hug and a kiss and to hear him call me his girl. I love you Daddy

2006-02-10T16:37:00.000-05:00

I'm still alive. I will be glad when company taxes are done. I hate inventory. I've had alot on my mind lately just havent figured out how to get it all into words.

2006-02-02T10:14:00.000-05:00

I've decided I hate slow weeks at work. They drive me crazy but then Im already crazy so Im not sure it makes much of a difference. The good thing about being slow is Ive not really felt like dealing with alot of people lately. To much on my mind to be bothered with being nice. I think about the past way too much. I cant change it so I should learn to accept it amd move on. Im missing my sweetie. He has been working alot lately so little time for me. Which then makes me doubt how he feels for me and right now I really need his support. But in his defense I hadnt told him about everything that is going on right now. I wanted to talk to him face to face but I couldnt wait any longer. So out it came and I think I told him in a nice way. Its hard for me to say how I feel over the phone cause I start to cry and then it never makes any sense. Much better at typing it or face to face. He had no idea what date was coming up. All I really want is for him to hold me and let me cry it all out. No words have to be said just let me cry myself to sleep in his arms.

2006-01-30T15:27:00.000-05:00

As the date comes closer and closer the nightmares come more often. Last night not so much a nightmare in the sense of being scary but still a nightmare to me. He was there. I could talk to him. I could see him. But then I wake up only to realize it was all just a dream. I cant talk to him I cant see him. I cant tell him how I feel or ask him for advice. I have a feeling I wont be sleeping much for awhile. I dont want to sleep. The dreams only get worse from here till that day. And then it still takes awhile for them to go away. I blame myself which I know is silly. What could I have done? I could have died too. Maybe I would have been the one driving and then there would have been no accident but he still would have had the heart attack. I couldnt have stopped it. But maybe I would have seen the signs and could have gotten him help. But these are all maybes. When its your time to go its your time to go. He asked me to go with him and I was selfish and angry. I had class that night but I maybe I could have skipped. I should have told him that I would have loved to go but could not cause of class. But all I said was I cant. I lost my chance. I made the decision. Cant change them now. Nothing I do cant change the fact that he is gone. I broke his heart. We lost the connection we had and he couldnt figure out how to get it back and I wasnt willing to try. He died from a broken heart not from driving head on into a 18wheeler. It was me my unwillingness to try my stubborness to forgive. I still cant talk about him and how bad I messed up without getting upset. I will never know if he is proud of me. If he thinks I am doing a good job. He had no reason to. I have messed up soo much in the last few years. It would probably break his heart to know all that I have done. I am soo sorry but sorry doesnt fix things. and time doesnt heal all wounds.

2006-01-30T09:28:00.000-05:00

Where does the weekend go?

I actually had the whole weekend off. woooohoooooooooo. I have decided that ex are exs for a reason. Cause they are annoying as all. My ex had told a friend that he was going to sign our son up for tball last weekend but he didnt. So I had to call him and act like I didnt know about him talking to our friend and tell him I saw in the paper that they were having tball sign up this weekend and that it was the last one. So I needed a copy of his birth certificate. So he puts it in our son's bookbag friday but does not put my name on it. When I get the bookbag its empty. His teacher had taken it cause ex hasnt put one on file with them. Call him he rants and raves and says he'll drop one off at work in the morning. Later on that night he knocks on my door and gives it to me. grrrrrr doesnt he know how to call ahead. It all boils down to he didnt register him cause he didnt want to have to pay for it. So I registered him Saturday morning and off we went to the mall. I got some great deals on clothes for the kids and then we got our pictures taken. Now I got to wait 2 weeks to get them back. I hate waiting but way to expensive to get them the same day. Ive also decided if I didnt have to buy groceries Id be rich. Maybe I should just give up eating. Sunday we just went to church and came home and played around the house.

2006-01-27T16:29:00.000-05:00

I climb into our bed.
Its so lonely without you here.
Pulling the covers up around me I can smell you.
I lay my head on your pillow.
I slowly drift off to sleep
Only to be woken up by the cold
The room is dark
The covers are gone
The cool night air blows across my skin
I feel your hand slowly caressing my body
Sending a shiver down my spine
You kiss my lips
I whisper your name
I open my eyes
You are not there
Was it a dream?
It couldnt have been
I can smell you
You were here
The phone rings
I answer it then hang it up
A tear rolls down my cheek
Was that your way of telling me goodbye?