The year is almost over and what a year it has been. I was just reading over so old post and came across the fact that use to keep waking up at 3am. I had forgoten that. But here is that old problem again. The last week I have woken up at 3am. I dont sleep good. I roll and turn I keep my hunny awake. Grrrrrrrrrrr I have let the old ghost start bothering me again. I cant stop the dreams. I know why but not how to stop them. They always start in December and end in February. The closer I get to their dates the worse it gets. Is it their way of telling me not to forget you? Because I think of them all the time. The images of their faces are always here. I know they watch over me. The stress of everything is really getting to me. Worse than usual. I am trying to fix it just doesnt happen as fast as I want it to. Or maybe its that I need it to. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel but I think it is broken. I will get there. Just got to focus. What a year. I held first my grandmother's and then my grandfather's hand while they both took their last breath. Telling them both that it was ok to stop fighting. To go home to God. I am the strong one. I face whatever has to be done no matter if I dont want to. Why is it that some hide from it leaving the "strong one" to handle it? Do they not realize that we have times that we want to hide too? Problem being there is noone else to do it for us? So we face our responciblities and keep on going. Only later do we come to understand that we arent strong. Our hearts cry but how do we explain what we went thru to you when you didnt even want to be there when it happened? We want to protect you. But in the process I have messed up my emotions. So I am to blame for the not sleeping. the nightmares are of my own doing. I have to learn that I cant change it accept it and love them forever and move on.