The year is almost over and what a year it has been. I was just reading over so old post and came across the fact that use to keep waking up at 3am. I had forgoten that. But here is that old problem again. The last week I have woken up at 3am. I dont sleep good. I roll and turn I keep my hunny awake. Grrrrrrrrrrr I have let the old ghost start bothering me again. I cant stop the dreams. I know why but not how to stop them. They always start in December and end in February. The closer I get to their dates the worse it gets. Is it their way of telling me not to forget you? Because I think of them all the time. The images of their faces are always here. I know they watch over me. The stress of everything is really getting to me. Worse than usual. I am trying to fix it just doesnt happen as fast as I want it to. Or maybe its that I need it to. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel but I think it is broken. I will get there. Just got to focus. What a year. I held first my grandmother's and then my grandfather's hand while they both took their last breath. Telling them both that it was ok to stop fighting. To go home to God. I am the strong one. I face whatever has to be done no matter if I dont want to. Why is it that some hide from it leaving the "strong one" to handle it? Do they not realize that we have times that we want to hide too? Problem being there is noone else to do it for us? So we face our responciblities and keep on going. Only later do we come to understand that we arent strong. Our hearts cry but how do we explain what we went thru to you when you didnt even want to be there when it happened? We want to protect you. But in the process I have messed up my emotions. So I am to blame for the not sleeping. the nightmares are of my own doing. I have to learn that I cant change it accept it and love them forever and move on.

I wonder. Will you be mad? Will you understand? I am not made to be what I tried so hard to be. I hope I will make you proud. But it is time to focus on my family. To not make the same mistakes over again. To love and give all of myself. To help him be the best that he can be not for himself but for us. One of us has to give and I have always known that it would be me. To love him. His is my rock the glue that holds me together. What good is this without him what good is life without love?

"Someone is always worse off than you"

I have heard that saying over and over. And I know it is very true. I am truly blessed. I happened to come across a blog today that reminded me of that. The issues I have in my life are nowhere near are bad as others are. So I take a deep breath and thank God for his awesome love and I cowboy up. So the next few months I will be a busy bee but when have I been know to sleep.

10 years

Its 10 years today. And yet it only seems like yesterday. Soo much has happened since that night. Soo much I would have loved for you to share in. What would today be like if you had not died? I know I cant change the past. And some of the past I wouldnt. But to have had your guidance would I have made the same mistakes? I will never know. I have learned alot in the past ten years. Dont take tomorrow for granted cause you may not have it again. Tell the ones you love that you love them every day. Kiss you children good night and hug then one more time even if you have already hugged them a million times that day. Oh how I miss you. I know I have messed up alot but I am getting it together. I should have listened to you from the beginning. You knew this dream wouldnt last forever. But new ones come. I hope I have made you just a little proud of me. Tell grandma Im sorry. and thank you. I hope I did right by her in ya'll eyes. So much to tell you. Daddy he looks so much like you at times. You must have had a big hand in him making it here. I wonder if you would approve of my love. Funny how he is like you. Did you approve of the other one? I sometimes wonder that. Just cause of somethings you said and did. or maybe you were like that cause you were not ready to get rid of me. I love you daddy. Please believe that.

The nightmares have started again. Why is it that every year at this time I let them take over? I want to dream of him but I want them to be happy. I want him to know that I am happy and I want to know that he is happy for me. But they all seem warped. I know I am stressed to the max. It is all going to get better very soon. It has to. I am sooo close. Just got to focus.

Dreams

There are some dreams that you just have to let go of. Maybe you out grow them. Maybe they are no longer healthy for you and your family. Why hurt your family over a dream? I have learned that lesson sooo very well over the last few years. And yes I do believe I am letting go of a dream but I am also helping another by doing this. In the end, my family is the one that is either hurt or wins. I have to do what is best for my family. My father once taught me this lesson and at the time I didnt realize it. He sold something he loved (and dreamed of using for his other dream) so that he could help pay for my schooling. At the time I thought nothing of it really. But now looking back he did what he thought in the end would be better for his family. We all have to grow up at some point and realize the world does not revolve around us. My oldest dream is having a family that knows they are loved. Im scared that if I keep trying for this other dream I have that I will never achieve my first. I sometimes wonder if it didnt already help destroy one. I cant change past mistakes but I can take action not to repeat the same mistakes again. A dream for a dream. Not a bad thing.

I've been accussed of not posting enough. Life got all messed up after the last post. Seems everytime I think its getn better I get smacked again. Thats life. I either accept or I slowly die to the world. There have been days that if it werent for my sweetie gluing me back together I would have lost it. If it were not for him telling me he loved me and that we would make it thru it I would have never stopped crying. Even though I have done things that I may never forgive myself for God still blessed me with a man that accepts me.
I have been busy with work and family issues. And if you know me you know I have lots of issues. But it will be ok. Im focused on the finish line. You cant have the rainbows without the rain. Im alive and will try to post more often.