What was I thinking?

Was I thinking? Or maybe I was just thinking with the wrong part of me? Can I do yesterday over? Can I just forget yesterday? Will the nightmares ever end? I just want to sleep. I set here now at work soo tired that Im about to passout. Couldnt sleep last night so at midnight I drive to Wendy's to get a frosty. I eat two spoon fulls and contemplate just driving till I passout. So I drive back home and go to get out the car and Ive spilled my frosty all over the cup holder oh well. I watch more mindless tv and finally fall asleep only to wake up a little later and go get in bed with my sweetie. I roll and toss and turn and finally passout again only to dream that I have twins. Not the dream I needed today. I wake up and he is holding me. I cant look him in the eye. The wall that was once so small is now up again. I hide inside myself not wanting to show my emotions. If I am strong it will all be ok. I cant break down. He wants to help but there is no helping me. This is my battle. In the end I will let him go scare him off. My sadness makes him feel bad. I can see the hurt and confusion in his eyes. He soo wants to hold me and make me better but its not that easy. TIME TIME only time will tell. I get lost in my world pushing him away. Will he still be here when I stop pushing? Yes I am scared the end could be wonderful and bad all together. I will hide. I cant hold him back I wont hold him back. He has dreams. Am I part of those dreams? I do not know but I wont corner him or make him make me part of those dreams. He has a future maybe Im part of if maybe Im not. Maybe my lack if sleep makes me make no sense or maybe I do. Maybe if I hide the world will never know what a fake I am? Im scared and alone lost. He is soo good to me but I will not force the issue. I will hide and push him away. Maybe Im all worked up over nothing or maybe this could be the deciding factor in my life. Im tired Im scare I feel alone but Im not Im just pushing him out. He will not pay for my stupid mistakes. I am strong I will make it or maybe Im not maybe this is my breaking point. TIME TIME it moves so slow and fast grrrrrrrrrrrrrr sleep grrrrrrrrrrrrr me grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I want to run never look back. Hide inside myself. In the end its my life my mistakes love me for me or hate me but dont pity me or feel sorry for me. They were my decisions my choices. I have to live with them.