As the date comes closer and closer the nightmares come more often. Last night not so much a nightmare in the sense of being scary but still a nightmare to me. He was there. I could talk to him. I could see him. But then I wake up only to realize it was all just a dream. I cant talk to him I cant see him. I cant tell him how I feel or ask him for advice. I have a feeling I wont be sleeping much for awhile. I dont want to sleep. The dreams only get worse from here till that day. And then it still takes awhile for them to go away. I blame myself which I know is silly. What could I have done? I could have died too. Maybe I would have been the one driving and then there would have been no accident but he still would have had the heart attack. I couldnt have stopped it. But maybe I would have seen the signs and could have gotten him help. But these are all maybes. When its your time to go its your time to go. He asked me to go with him and I was selfish and angry. I had class that night but I maybe I could have skipped. I should have told him that I would have loved to go but could not cause of class. But all I said was I cant. I lost my chance. I made the decision. Cant change them now. Nothing I do cant change the fact that he is gone. I broke his heart. We lost the connection we had and he couldnt figure out how to get it back and I wasnt willing to try. He died from a broken heart not from driving head on into a 18wheeler. It was me my unwillingness to try my stubborness to forgive. I still cant talk about him and how bad I messed up without getting upset. I will never know if he is proud of me. If he thinks I am doing a good job. He had no reason to. I have messed up soo much in the last few years. It would probably break his heart to know all that I have done. I am soo sorry but sorry doesnt fix things. and time doesnt heal all wounds.