Another night
Another dream
All is dark
All I do is scream
Im all alone
Im scared
Afraid to move
Afraid that Ive shared
Too much of my heart
Too much of my soul
Can you see my darkness?
Can you make me whole?

What may seem insignificant to you, may mean the world to someone else.

A kiss before we part may not seem like a lot to you. But to me it means alot. What if this is the last time we see each other alive do you want to be left wishing you would have kissed me just one more time? I dont. I want to know that when I left you you were smiling and knew you mean the world to me.

Yes I know I am an emotional freak but that is me. If I dont tell you when something upsets me how will you know? I dont mean to seem petty or pushy or needy. But the pure and simple fact is that I do need you. I need you to hold me and hug me and kiss me. I need you to dry my tears. Not because I am weak but because I love you. So the question is can you put up with my emotions? Can you deal with my need to be reassured? I try not to let my past dictate the present but sometimes it is hard. When you are told for 7 years that nobody else would ever put up with you and love you you tend to believe it. I will try to do better. I love you sweetie and maybe one day very soon I will have the courage to say those words again.

So much to write about so little time. I hate the end of the year. Inventory sucks. Sweetie gone for 2 days. Tired and stressed. Worried. Scared. Chicken. When will I learn to say exactly how I am feeling and not be scared that he wont feel the same?

Happy Birthday

To my best man,

How time seems to fly. Its hard to believe that you are 5 years old. I can remember the day the nurse told me I was pregnant with you. How happy I was. Sweetie you are my miracle child. The doctors never thought I would carry you full term. They were almost sure I was going to miscarry you. But here you are. You have the sweetest heart of any little boy I know. From the day you were born you have loved to cuddle. we spent many a night curled up on the sofa together. I love to go into yor room and just watch you sleep. Please never let the harshness of the world change your heart. You are destined for great things. Your energy and love of life is going to take you very far in life. Never doubt in yourself. Laugh at yourself. Always love your sister no matter what happened. She is your family and family has to stick together. Learn from your mistakes. Learn for my mistakes. Believe in miracles cause you are one. I love you sweetie wiff my whole heart. Happy Birthday.

Mom

My daughter decided that this year for Christmas she wants Dora everything. So I go in search for Dora. I decided that the Dora talking doll house is her big present. Well friday night my sweetie and I are shopping and the store we go to doesnt have it. So we go shopping Saturday night and go to Target they dont have it. We go to the ToysRUs and they have two but both boxes are damaged. So then he says lets try the WalMart here. Go there no Dora. He then takes me to the Kmart one Dora but its been opened. By now Im upset cause this is really what I wanted to get her and I know I shouldnt have waited till the week before Christmas to start shopping. My sweetie then says well lets drive to the other Walmart. This man has been shopping with me since 5pm and has not complained one little bit in the lines and at me not being able to decided what to get my stars. So we get back in the car and stop at DQ for a blizzard. We go to the Walmart they dont have it either. Ive about decided that she just isnt gonna get this for Christmas. We had been talking about going home and then going back out at like 2am to Super Kmart in another town. No crowds at 2am. He says lets just go now and see if they have it and if they dont I will take you to the Walmart there. So we drive 30 mins to Kmart. wooooooohoooooooooo they have it. At almost midnight we leave Kmart and head home. I cant stop thanking him. He keeps telling me its not a big deal and that I dont need to thank him. She is not his daughter but yet he can drive all over creation to help me find her the one thing I want to get her. I do love this man. I was very blessed the day he decided to ask me out.

Why say you are coming and then not show?

Why do some people say they are coming and then dont? Its your childrens' class Christmas party why cant you make the time? Work? Yes I understand you have to work but what about the days you are off and could have gone on their field trips but you just goofed off till they got out of school. You say you miss them and want to spend time with them but dont make the effort to do things with them on their time. It always has to be about your time. Well thats what got us where we are today. YOUR TIME never our time. YOU need time to go fishing and play golf. So while you were off doing your thing I realized that I just wasnt important to you. I was the one crying in line at Christmas time cause I was exhausted and the kids were tired. You were fishing and promised to meet me. Have you ever stood in line with a 6 month old who is hungery and tired and a 2 year old that is ready to go home? Thank God for my best friend. She watched our son while I took a break and feed our daughter. Have you ever had to breast feed a baby is a public bathroom at Christmas time? lol You would have thought I was Mary as many stares as I got. I honestly think that was the breaking point. Yes I know I put our children first but you put us last. So now here we are 3 years later. Have you learned from your past? I know I have. I am not perfect and yes I know that it takes two to make a marriage. It takes making time for each other. Please learn to make time for our children because if you dont the day will come when they walk out on you too. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Dont tell them you are going to do something and then not show. You missed them at Halloween again this year. They wanted to know where you were at. So I told them you were working. It is not my job to tell them these things you should call them and tell them you cant make it to their stuff after you tell them you are coming. Dont break their hearts. You broke mine and walked away you break theirs and you will see the wrath of a mother.

I lay here in my bed
Your arms wrapped around me
The warmth of your skin
Your breath on my neck
Our bodies seem as one
A single tear rolls down my cheek
I try to hide my pain
I close my eyes
Praying for the sun to shine
Nighttime holds soo many ghost
I cuddle in closer
You hold me tighter
Whispering to me
Calming my fears
Till at last I go to sleep
You watch me dream
Wishing my past you could erase
Brushing the curl from my face
You kiss my lips
Pulling my body closer to yours
Finally going to sleep yourself
As the sun starts to shine on my face

Am I ever going to sleep all night again?

The man who is too big for a small job is too small for a big one!

GRRRRRRRRRRRR MONDAY

I dont like Mondays. Ive got cramps. And most of the people I love dont love me. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Im tired of the games.

Do I think too much or not enough? Am I reading more into this or just not understanding? Am I wasting my time or am I wishing for too much to fast? Am I crazy or is it the hormones? Is silence good or is it deafening? Am I a fruit or a nut? Is it me or is it my past? But my past is me so maybe its me. Is it the group or just a person in that group? I dont understand please tell me. explain.

Christmas Traditions

Every years since I was a small child my parents gave me a Christmas ornament. They were usually dated. When I got married and moved out my ornaments went with me. My mom still gets me an ornament every year. And I do the same for my stars. When we decorate the tree I think of all the memories behind the ornaments. Out of everything I get for Christmas my ornament is favorite.

Now my question to ya'll is what are your Christmas traditions?

WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO

I was reading msn news today when I came across a story about a 13yr old girl who had been killed by her friend's stepfather. Her friend told her that he was molesting her so she went to the police. He came to her grandparents' house and shot her while she was getting ready for school. Later that day he killed two store clerks and then shot himself. To me that is very scary and sad. This young girl was just trying to save her friend. She did save her but lost her life in the process. I wonder how her friend feels. What makes someone do something like that? This world is full of evil people. So as I drift off to sleep tonight I will pray for her and her family and for my Stars cause this is the world they have to face.

Can one person make a difference?

I believe one person can make a difference. And yes one person can change the world. Look at Mother Theresa and how many lives she touched. Look at Hitler and how many people he killed. It saddens me to hear people say "Im only one person. I cant change the world." One smile can make the person that was ready to end their life change their mind. Just the same as one person saying one more mean thing can make a child believe that they have nothing to live for. At Christmas time if everyone thought that the few dollars they put in the Salvation Army's bucket didnt make a difference decided not to put any money in the Salvation Army would no longer exist. Each person is put on this earth for a reason. We all can make a difference. The true question is "Are we going to make someone smile or cry?" We choose the difference we are going to make. I hope that I have help more people than I have hurt. I hope I have made someone laugh when they have wanted to cry. I hope I have helped someone keep going when all they wanted to to was give up. So many have helped me get to where I am today. Any one of them could have chosen not to help me but they did and by doing that they made a difference in my life.