What will 2011 bring?

I sit here at my desk wondering what will the next year bring. Faith and Strength are the 2 words that come to mind. Or maybe it should be strength in my faith. Faith is what makes me move in the morning. Knowing that some how God will help me get thru till the end of the day helps me breath. I also have hope of what the future brings for me and my family. I have to believe that at the end of this dark cloud is a rainbow. I draw strength from my children's laughter. oh the blessed innocences of children. I do not like what all this stress has done to change me. I will not let it rule me. So tonight when I lay my head on my pillow I will thank God for my faith, my family, my friends and my future.

Christmas was great. Family friends food and love. Snow everywhere. As a child I loved the snow now I want to take a hairdrier to it. The kids and I played out in it. We made a snowman and they made a snow tunnel. But Im over the snow now. I need some sun and heat. The winter blues are getting to me or maybe its the work stress. My son got all the Star Wars movies fOr Christmas so we have watched them all. curled up on the sofa together eatn popcorn and watchn movies that is the way a snow day is suppose to be spent. now i dream of warm days with no snow.

Im ready to turn the music up and forget about the outside world. To let the rhythm of the song vibrate thru my body. To let the words take me away to another place. To breath in the emotions. ahhhhhhhh

Thinking its gonna be a baking afternoon. cookies bread and cake. My son's dinner got moved to tonight cause grandma had to go to the er. We went to my husband's family last night and saw his grandma and ate with them instead. It was nice. pizza and icecream cake. I'm thinking of making a chocolate cake fOr tonight and my daughter has already asked for homemade bread. Ive got to find some new recipes for bread like cin raison bread or sweet bread. maybe i will make them some apple sauce too. im in the mood to cook and make the house smell like Christmas.

Ok so I need to post before the posting police come and get me. I am sooo trying to get into the Christmas spirit but having a very hard time. We havent put out the yard ornaments. I still have one tree in the attic to get down and decorate. no Christmas cards done. Three years ago my grandmother died Christmas eve morning. I was by her side holding her hand telling her it was ok. It is hitting me hard this year. My other grandma is not doing to great this year. I have soo many things to be greatful for. Last year we werent sure my grandma would be here this Christmas but here she is one tough cookie. We each have our own problems mine are small compared to others. My husband is sooo great. my glue my rock. He keeps me going and doesnt fuss when all I want to do is just fall apart. He keeps telling me everything is gonna be ok.

On to better things. Today is my son's 10th birthday. He has grown soo fast. We are going to have dinner at my mom's cause he said he wanted to have dinner with grandma (my grandma). That is what he told me he wanted for his birthday. hamburgers and icecream cake and family. there is nothing better in this world than family and love.

I know Im weird but Im not crazy. Thought something was lost but I knew I had sent it to the right place. The place just didnt handle it properly. scared the bageebees out of me. stress can make you crazy. lol Im back on mtdew at night. need the caffine and sugar to keep me going. also gonna try taking b12 again. multi vitamins make me crazier than i usually am so just gonna try the b12 by itself. i sooo dream of the day when the weather man says snow day and i can just go back to sleep. no worry no stress. i keep praying and breathing.

What makes us dreams the things we do? I dreamed the other night about a store here in town that always has Christmas decorations in its windows. I was driving by it and the windows were empty. not a thing in them. I love to look at their windows at Christmas. is it my lack of Christmas spirit? maybe my lack of Christmas. I have not started really shopping yet for my angels. I plan on doing it all this weekend. every last gift of every last person. lol. then I want to bake. my bread maker is hating me. I've been using it almost every night. my daughter is now in love with homemade bread and jelly sandwiches. they need to make a special sandwich carrier just for homemade bread its too big for the regular carriers. and boy do i jump from one topic to another. no wonder my friends laugh at me when we go out.

I've been here. just not here. the story of my life. I sometimes feel like I'm just breathing so I can get thru the next minute. My stars get out of school this week for Christmas. When they go back new rules for mom. Im letting stress rule me and Im tired of it. I feel like Im letting them down. I forget silly things and dont check homework so then in the morning we are running around like crazier people. no more. I've got to get back to where I was. Life will always have stress. there will always be bills. one day at a time one problem at a time. organization is not my friend but i've got to learn to do better. better use of my time so that i can be a better mom. winter blues have no place in my life. its my life and i'm taking it back. i pray for change and i have to work towards it too. focus on the finish line but dont forget to run the race.

I will not let the worries of my life rule me.

COLD

I dont like the cold. If I wear enough clothes to stay warm, I cant move. I think I still have toes. lol. But it wouldnt feel like Christmas if is wasnt cold. As a child I would dream of having a white Christmas. Snow on the ground riding my sled to Grandma's house. I think as we get older we get sooo wrapped up in all our everyday chores that we forget the magic. The magic of dancing in the rain or running around in the yard with our mouths open trying to catch the first few flakes of snow that fall. We get in such a hurry to going from house to house at Christmas that we forget why we even wanted to go there in the first place. We forget to sit and listen to the stories of our family. To laugh and love. Its not about what is under the tree but what is under our skin. The joy of the season is often lost in the "present"ation. This year as I sit and listen to my family talk I will try to take it all in and guard the memories in my heart. Will my children remember that they didnt get that new cd or will they remember that we all sat around the table laughing and loving? I remember the Christmas that I spent a whole day wrapping my aunt's Christmas presents for her cause she was too sick to wrap them herself. She would tell me whos gift it was and the tell me which paper to wrap the present in. She died later that week just a week before Christmas. I dont remember what I got for Christmas that year just that she gave me the best gift of all that year. Her love and memories. Time is the most precious gift of all.

TIME FLIES

Where has the year gone? Wasn't it just January? They say the older we get the faster time flies. When I was young the school year seemed to last forever now it just goes by sooo fast. My son turns double digits this month. It is very hard for me to believe that he is that old. If I admit he is that old then I have to admit that I am old enough to have a child that old. lol. He was my miracle child. The drs never thought I would carry him full term. They didnt even write him up as a pregnancy till I was 4 months pregnant. I know God has awesome plans for him. As I watch him grow, I wonder what he will be when he grows up. Does he know how much he is loved? Am I teaching him everything he needs to know? I think all parents worry about these answers. We look back and wonder could we have done something different. At the end of the day I know I am not the perfect mother but when he says "Mom can you lay with me for a little bit before I go to sleep?" I know those days are getting fewer and fewer so I better cherish the times he does ask.

A PLACE TO THINK

I have a place that I love to go to to just think and be closer to God. If I cant actually go there I just think about being there. I listen to the wind and just let my thoughts go with the wind. The memories of all the times I have spent there. The laughter the tears. I can remember as a child flying kites there. As a teenager I would run there. My quiet spot. It has changed very little from when I was a child. The pear tree is bigger but neglected. The old path is gone. The person that now farms the land got rid of the path and joined the two fields. I use to imagine the old path led to my house in the woods. My home surrounded by my quiet spot. Time changes the looks of everything but the memories are mine to love.

DREAMS

I just remembered what I was dreaming about last night. Grandma's house ghost and floating heads. Maybe being sick is making my dreams weird or the fact that I talked to my brother yesterday. I was at grandma's house for some reason and kept seeing my father and grandma trying to scare who ever was with me. Guess I thought it was totally normal cause they didnt scare me I just told them to stop. Thats all I remember right now. My dreams have always be a little wierd lol. I know why I am dreaming of her now. My grandma died Christmas eve morning 3 years ago. I always start dreaming about her and my father when it gets close to their dates. Unfinished business I guess. I wonder if I will ever get it straight enough in my head to stop the dreams.