Yesterday my sweetie came over to my mom's for dinner. Turned out better than I expected. He didnt run out the door in the middle of dinner screaming. The kids were rather well behaved. They had sooo much fun outside after dinner. We did bubbles and went for a walk. I just keep my fingers crossed and go one day at a time. He makes me smile and laugh again.

Memorial Day

Freedom is never free. Its has always come with a price. So today I would like to thank all the men and women who make this world a better place for me and my children. For the children of the men and women who have died in this war, I pray for you and thank you for the sacrifice that you and your family has made for mine. I pray that my children will grow up to appreciate their freedom and have pride for their country. We are truly blessed to live in this country it is a privilege not a right.

The kids and I left earlier for church this morning and my daughter falls asleep on the way there. So I get her out of the car and set in Sunday school with her in my lap. Well 15 mins in I have to get up cause while sleeping she decided to pee on me. So back in the car her and I go to head home to get dry clothes. Get home change clothes and back to church we go. Nothing like getn ready twice. Guess that is the life of being a mother. Aint the first time Ive been peed on and pretty sure it aint the last.

Trust

To trust or not to trust? He has never given me a reason not to trust him. Life has given me reasons not to trust. I hurt him by saying I dont trust. I try to explain but off to sleep we go with this on our minds. Then the nightmare comes. Until this I had not had any around him. I wake up confused. He wants to help but does not know how. I try to remember the dream and all I know is that my father is in it. We spend the rest of the night talking. Im sooo scared Im gonna mess this one up. Im happy so now I am just waiting for the bottom to fallout and for it all to disappear. I decided that I needed to let him see how my kids are and if he ran then I really didnt need to be wasting his or my time. I invited him to go get icecream with the kids and me last night. All new for him seeing as he has no kids no nieces or nephews. I figure scare him away before Im totally in love with him. So we go and I drop him back at his house. We talk later on the phone. He said spent all day thinking about the conversation we had the night before and thinking about how fragile I actually am. He never wants to hurt me. The only time he has ever really seen me before now is at work. There I am strong. I dont backdown. But when I turn right and head for his place I leave that woman behind. My feelings scare me. Im scared that I will wake up and this will have all been a dream. A beautiful dream.
So here I am back at my trust issue. Yes I trust him with my heart and my life. To late now for me to run Ive already fallen for him. Now the question is will he break my heart or will he hold it close to his and protect it? Only time can answer that one.

I have been listening to this song for 2 days straight. I love it. Cornie its yours as soon as we are on together.

Artist : Keith Urban
Album : Be Here (2004)
Song : Making Memories Of Us
Lyrics:
I'm gonna be here for you baby
I'll be a man of my word
Speak the language in a voice that you have never heard
I wanna sleep with you forever
And I wanna die in your arms
In a cabin by a meadow where the wild bees swarm
And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us
I wanna honor your mother
I wanna learn from your pa
I wanna steal your attention like a bad outlaw
I wanna stand out in a crowd for you
A man among men
I wanna make your world better than it's ever been
And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us
We'll follow the rainbowWherever the four winds blow
And there'll be a new dayComin' your way
I'm gonna be here for you from now on
This you know somehow
You've been stretched to the limits but it's alright now
And I'm gonna make you a promise
If there's life after this
I'm gonna be there to meet you with a warm, wet kiss
And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us
I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll win your trust making memories of us

ok finally back to bloggie what a weekend. I havent slept this good in a long time. The world is a beautiful place and I may be stressed to the point of screaming but when I turn right out of the drive at work I try to forget it all and enjoy my life. How great it is to eat dinner with someone and then stay up half the night talking. To have someone kiss you in the morning and say see ya tonight. All this scares the hell out of me. That he will wake up and see Im not what he wants or needs. As ya'll all know relationships scare the hell out of me. I dont like to tell my feelings but this one is different. As we laid there talking I found myself admitting that I was scared. That I for sure never do. That I enjoyed spending time with him. He makes me smile and laugh. Funny thing is he picked a nick for me "Giggles" and knows nothing about this blog. Our lives were already mixed together now even more. I find him saying the things Im thinking. He does not push me just patiently waits for me to get to a place that Im comfortable with. Yesterday I was having a great day till I stopped back by work. Had the day off was just checking in. Day went down hill fast. So I leave work and go to his place grumpy moody tired and soaking wet (got stuck in a rain storm). I lay around a few minutes and then decide to get a hot burn my life off my skin shower. I get out of the shower and laid in the bed not wanting to disturb his phone call. I pass out. He said he came in there thinking I had melted away in the shower to find me curled up in a ball looking like I was about to cry in my sleep. I woke up at 10 to his arms wrapped around me. I was awake long enough for him to ask me if i wanted something to eat and I passed out again. I finally wake up this morning and start to appolgize for myself and he tells me its no need to appoligize. When I talk he looks at me like what Im saying really matters. He knows I have more issues then Time magizine. He told me to do what is best for me and my kids. So that is what I am doing one day at a time getting my life back together and moving forward. Taking each problem one at a time and figuring out how to fix them. Fix what I can and not worrying about what I cant change.

te hehe

Funny how you can know someone most your life and never say more then the polite hellos and stuff and then all of a sudden it changes. What makes it change? I dont know. But it sure makes me laugh. One day you are saying hello and the next you are talking for 5 hours on the phone. And till that day you would have said that person was the shiest ya ever met. The truth is till that point that person really didnt have anything to say to you. Time changes. The winds change. And there you are talking till all hours of the night laughing and snickering like you have been friends forever. Sure is weird how life happens.

Forgiveness

What a huge word. Went to church today and the Sunday school lesson was on forgiveness of others and not judging others. I have learned over the last few years that I cant judge anything that another person does cause I am not in their shoes. I dont know what drove them to the point of doing what they did. The preacher said something that has been on my mind all day. "If Christ can forgive the man that nailed him to the cross, why do you think He cant forgive what you have done?" I think the problem lies in that we cant forgive ourselves at times for things we have done. We pray for forgiveness from God but we cant give our guilt and pain over to Him too. Our brains dont let us just wipe the slate clean and forgive ourselves. We can forgive others but ourselves we punish for life. Forgiveness of ourselves is sooo very hard. Maybe one day I will learn how to forgive myself for the things I have done. In the mean time I just pray that God forgives me. It is Him that I will have to answer to not anyone else.

HOW TO KILL A VACUUM

Ok I've killed 2 vacuums in a year and a half. ya think I would learn to check the sofa for socks. so last night I smoked another poor vacuum. was told if I vacuumed more often maybe I would destroy my vacuums. Well if something is on the floor and its smaller than my hand that dang vacuum needs to eat it. but im learning this theory dont work on sock. oh well off to vacuum heaven with another vacuum.

BITCHOLOGY

A friend of mine sent me this and I couldnt resist posting it here. I have always wanted to put on my license plate "BITCH" but figure they not like that. I am who I am nothing more nothing less. Love me for me or dont. Your loss not mine. Thank you sweetie for sending this email.

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.

When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.

When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.

Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart.

It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.

When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch.

The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when
I act a little selfish.

It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be.

I am outspoken, opinionated and determined.

I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that! So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me.

You won't succeed.

And if that makes me a bitch, so be it.

I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.

B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself

B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman

B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything

"I believe in love the verb, not the noun."

Well thanks to lavie and cornie i bought the book "he's just not that into you". Took me 2 days to read it. Now if I can just learn to use it. I already had my own dating rules. #1 no guys over when my stars are home #2 I dont call and #3 Im always right. oh #4 when in doubt refer back to rule #3. One of my favorite sayings from the book is " Personally, when I'm picking friends, I like the ones who dont make me cry myself to sleep." that one hit home hard. In my life Ive had many so called friends that have left me crying myself to sleep. I wonder why I put up with it. I have always had the need for the whole world to love me warped as that may seem. But I am learning that the world can love me for who I am or they can just go away. Love is suppose to be sweet and gentle and kind not hurtful and angry and demeaning. Love is suppose to lift us up not tear us down. Love is suppose to make you happy not cry. Love is suppose to make you heart sing not wish you didnt have a heart. Love is putting the person you love needs before yours. Just the smile on their face makes you happy. If you have to hide that you love someone then it aint love. Love is a verb full of action. Love is the purest of all emotions. We all deserved to be loved.
I laugh at the chapter about asking guys out. My other mother the other week said its the 21st century why dont you ask him out. Him being her son who Ive known my whole life. And as a teenager I would have died if he asked me out. Well I thought about it then but guess what if he liked me you think in the 20 some years ive known him he would have asked me out. I so want to tell her now that mom "he's just not that into me." lol
Thank you lavie and cornie for sharing this book. Make me think and laugh. I love ya'll very much. Keep smiling and laughing.

Mother's Day

I went shopping yesterday and the clerk said my children were blessed. I looked at her and said "I am the one that is blessed not them." I keep thinking about this holiday. Mother's Day to me is not a celebration of the mother but of the children that make me a mother. They should be celebrated not me. They are my gifts straight from God. Without them my life would be soo empty. They push me to better myself to be more than I ever thought I could be. How truely blessed I am to have them. So this and every Mother's day that follows is my celebrating them and their love.
So to my Stars. Babies I love you more than my own life. I would die at this second if I knew that ya'll would live happily ever after. I thank God every day that He gave ya'll to me. Ya'll show me what love is all about. Thank you for loving me. Always remember no matter what I love you and will always stand behind you.
To my mother. We have not always seen eye to eye and at times I truely wanted to run away from my life. But time has fixed our relationship and I dont know what I would do without you. I love you and thank you for giving me life. You have stood behind me this last year. You have supported me soo very much and for that I am very greatful.

Happy Mothers day to all the mothers in this world. Without ya'll there would be no world.

Martina McBride

Lyrics for Song: In My Daughters Eyes

In my daughter's eyes, I am a hero.

I am strong an' wise,

And I know no fear.

But the truth is plain to see:

She was sent to rescue me,

I see who I wanna be, in my daughter's eyes.

In my daughter's eyes, everyone is equal,

Darkness turns to light,

And the world is at peace.

This miracle God gave to me,

Gives me strength when I am weak.

I find reason to believe, in my daughter's eyes.

An' when she wraps her hand around my finger,

Oh, it puts a smile in my heart.

Everything becomes a little clearer.

I realise what life is all about.

It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough;

It's givin' more when you feel like givin' up.

I've seen the light: it's in my daughter's eyes.

In my daughter's eyes, I can see the future.

A reflection of who I am,An' what will be.

An' though she'll grow an', some day, leave:

Maybe raise a family,

When I'm gone, I hope you'll see,

How happy she made me,

For I'll be there, in my daughter's eyes.

Ok Im posting a little note before the blog police come and yell at me for not blog'n. Its gonna be a long week. Mom is on vacation so that means I have to open every day. Kids dont really like getn to work at 6:45 but they only have to do it 2 days so we will manage. But enough of my complaining I chose this job so time to suck it up and just do it. Try to write more later.