Friday, September 30, 2005

Well here we are at the end of another month. Boy how time flies. New month means more meeting and probably more finger pointing and name calling. I should be excited. Sales are up but all I keep thinking is "No matter what I do its not going to be good enough for them" But screw them. I know what I have done and Im happy with what I have accomplished. Then why is it that I want their approval? I know I cant make everyone happy but still I want to hear them say that they are proud of me. Im 29 years old and Im still looking for my family to be proud of me and accept me for who I am flaws and all. Sad I guess. But thats me. I want to make everyone in my life happy to the point sometimes that I totally forget about making myself happy. and in the end nobody is happy. So what I need to do is make me happy. And I am getting there. I love my job so all I have to do is learn how to play the game so that I keep my family happy or at least off my back. My kids are happy which makes me happy. No matter what kind of day at work I have had all I have to do is get a hug and a kiss from my Stars and the world is not such a bad place. So as long as my Stars are happy and know that they are loved my world is great. I hope they never doubt how much I love them. I hope they grow up knowing that no matter what they do I am always going to love them and support them. I am the one who wanted them in this world so its up to me to make sure that they learn to love and know that they are loved. They did not ask to be born I prayed for them to been born. So Stars I love ya'll always forever till the stars dont shine no more and wiff my whole heart.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

My sweetie went with me and my Stars out into public last night. We went to see a children's show with my best friend and her son. So there were 6 of us packed in the car. We went out to eat before the show and somehow managed not to total lose our minds and the kids actually behaved. My best friend and I were in the restroom with the three "angels" when it dawned on me. Sweetie had the car keys and we left him alone. If he was smart he would have left us. But being the sweetie that he is he just sat there waiting for us the get done. We all had fun and didnt lose any of the kids so it was a good night. Ive talked to me sweetie today so its seems that i didnt make him want to run last night. That I am very glad off because even though I dont want to admit it I have totally fallen for him. The question is has he fallen for me?

Friday, September 23, 2005

I guess its gonna be one of those days. Yesterday I rush and rush to make it to my son's soccer practice only to find out when I get there that soccer practice was cancelled this week and my ex didnt tell me. How sweet of him. He told me when I called that the coach told them. At the time I just thought maybe I didnt hear the coach say it but then later remembered I wasnt at practice last week cause of my show so how would I have known. Why cant he just grow up and stop playing games. I told my son I would see him at practice so I guess I lied to him without really knowing I was. Then last night I decided to dream about my family yelling at me. Like having them yell at me in real life wont bad enough.
Ive decided I have a sign on me that says "if you are a freak please talk to me" Had a customer at work today make the hair on my neck stand up. Wanted to know if he could call me I said yeah call here any time. Not exactly what he had in mind. I told him I have a boyfriend and he still proceeded to tell me how pretty I was and how it brightened his day to come in here and see me. Said he had been in here a few years ago and remembered me. I thought he looked familiar he freaked me out then too.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

I was leaving work late last night when I heard this song. Im not sure how old it is. Now I want to get the song gonna have to start looking for it. Yes Im a sappy love song girl at heart. But isnt that what we all want? to be love by someone so deeply that you are not 2 anymore but one. to know what the other one is thinking. to want to make that person happy and just knowing that you made them smile makes your day better. to want to fall asleep in their arms every night and wake up next to them every morning. to pray that when you are 80 their face is the last thing you see before you die. to watch your children and grandchildren grow up. I thought I had that love once but maybe it was all just a fairytale in my head. maybe with time love doesnt get better it falls apart. maybe we forget about it and forget that love does need to be constantly worked on. We cant just expect it to grow if we dont cherish it and protect it. I soo want to be that couple that is walking down the street holding hands that everyone thinks is cute when im 30 or 40 or 50 or 90 just hold my hand and tell me you love me. Maybe its out there maybe its not maybe its just a fairytale that we were all feed as a child.

True Companion

Baby I've been searching like everybody else
Can't say nothing different about myself
Sometimes I'm an angel
And sometimes I'm cruel
And when it comes to love
I'm just another fool
Yes, I'll climb a mountain
I'm gonna swim the sea
There ain't no act of God girl
Could keep you safe from me
My arms are reaching out
Out across this canyon
I'm asking you to be my true companion
True companion
True companion
So don't you dare and try to walk away
I've got my heart set on our wedding day
I've got this vision of a girl in white
Made my decision that it's you allright
And when I take your hand
I'll watch my heart set sail
I'll take my trembling fingers
And I'll lift up your veil
Then I'll take you home
And with wild abandon
Make love to you just like a true companion
You are my true companion
I got a true companion
True companion
When the years have done irreparable harm
I can see us walking slowly arm in arm
Just like the couple on the corner do'
Cause girl I will always be in love with you
And when I look in your eyes
I'll still see that spark
Until the shadows fall
Until the room grows dark
Then when I leave this Earth
I'll be with the angels standin'
I'll be out there waiting for my true companion
Just for my true companion
True companion
True companion

Monday, September 19, 2005

Ok I know its been awhile since I last bloggied. I have been super busy at work. I had a trade show to work this weekend. Nothing like 35 hours in 4 days plus your regular work hours. So in total something like 56 hours in 3.5 days my ass is tired. I just hope that I get some new business from all those hours. I need a nap.

Becca and Desi I hope yall had a get week together. miss ya

ok back to work for me

Thursday, September 08, 2005

STOP POINTING FINGERS

Ok I know I totally messed up but it wasnt just me and I am trying to fix it. Why cant anyone see that? Or better yet why cant my famiy see that? I have busted my ass for the last year trying to get things straight. And things are getting better but nobody seems to notice. They just yell about things that happened two years ago well I cant change them. I wish I could but I cant So we can either stop pointing finger and decide how to fix it all or we can just say screw it and forget it all.

I AM NO A QUITTER. I stayed cant ya give me some credit for that? Yelling at me gets you now where. It just upsets me more and makes it harder for me to focus on the job ahead. I AM NOT PERFECT. and neither are you. I am trying my hardest and want this to work. A few words of incouragement would help. not words of blame and hate.

In the end I fear I have lost my brother and grandmother and uncle all to finger pointing and name calling. Why cant adults be adults and face the facts? I love my family and yet they have broken my heart and damn well broken my spirit.

To my family,
I am sorry for being the biggest fuckup in your eyes. but it was not just me. Blame me if you need to if it helps you sleep at night I dont care cause in the end I know the truth. I am great at my job and I have stepped up to the plate bigger than shit when I could have just walked away and told yall to handle it. I didnt and I wont. and if you think I would just walk away leaving everything in a mess yall never knew me to begin with. I have never asked for one penny from any of yall. How dare you yell at me and embarrass me? I am not a child. You expected me to know everything when this all started. I didnt. and yes I didnt come to you for help but why would I if you are going to yell at me like this. I thought I could fix it all by myself. and aint that what I am doing now you just wont look past the past and see what I have done now. So all I have left to say is Grow UP

Friday, September 02, 2005

I asked my sweetie to pick up a cd for me and as usual I was confused on the name of the person that I wanted. I told my sweetie I wanted Kelly Clarkson and thats what he got me. Sweetie that he is poor thing big guy going to get a girlie cd. Well I got the name wrong but now Im in love with this song.

Because of You by Kelly Clarkson

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you