hmmmmmmm

The need to put my words down is really calling me there days.

Getn it together

Three months ago, I shut the door. Walked away and cried. So my future is wide open. Full of debt and stress but open. Now I am trying to figure out what I want to be. In search of myself. Digging thru all the stuff that people think I am to truely find me. I am the eternal optomist. The girl who believes in the end all will be fine. That no matter how hard the road, the end will be worth it. All the tears and pain I have come thru were my fault. I tried to hold on for too long. So each day I will make a list of things I have to get thru that day. Stick to the list and slowly work my way out of this hole. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just cant see it yet. I've let the darkness take me over. It's time fight.

I did not forget

Dear Dad,

I didnt forget that Saturday was your anniversary. I still remember that day where I was what I was doing. Sooo many things have changed in the last year. I've closed work. I tried but couldn't do it anymore. The stress was killing me. I should have done what you had told me along time ago. Sell and never look back. I put sooo much in and mess sooo many things up. I have days I can't get it together. I've stress my husband to the point I will never be able to make this all up to him. I wish you were here. You would have know what to do. I hope you and Grandma understand. I feel like I've let sooo many down but most of all I let myself down. So each day I wake up trying to fix the mistakes and total overwhelmed by it all.
The kids are getting big. Its weird how I see you in them. I know we had our issues. Teenagers and parents dont always see eye to eye. I worry about mom. Our relationship is sooo much better. Her health worries me and I wish she would be more proactive about it. I know I cant change her. I just really need her to live a long long time.
So many changes. I'm excited and scared. I wonder what life would be like if you had lived. If I have been in the car with you. I cant change the past. I pray everyday about the future. One day at a time. You would think that after 14 years, I wouldn't still wonder about that day. Give everyone my love. I miss ya'll sooo much.

Love,
Your little girl

"As memory may be a paradise from which we cannot be driven, it may also be a hell from which we cannot escape." - John Lancaster Spalding

I was reading a book this week that had this quote in it. It is sooo very true. I have memories that I cherish and then I have the ones that nightmares are made of. Some are of my own making and others I had no control over. I may remember an event happening one way and someone else may remember it another way. We learn from our memories. I have learned that I cant let the bad memories control me. I have to let go of the past and embrace the future.

Sounds

I sit here at my desk listening to the fan spin and the rain fall. With different sounds come different feeling and memories. When a school bus goes by my window it makes me smile and think of my stars. The first bus comes by 5 minutes before theirs. The rain makes me think of lazy days curled up in bed with my husband. Those lazy days are few and far between these days. The honks of the geese overhead tells me that the oranges, reds and yellows of fall are on their way. I dont like it when it is quiet. I always have some type on noise in the house. We forget to stop and be still and listen. Listen to the peace and feel the calmness that comes with it.

Paths

There are soo many different paths we can take. The easy path is not always the right path. I pray everyday that God helps me to pick the right path and guides me. I sometimes get lost but He holds my hand a helps me back.

I hope you realize
Half of what he says are lies
I hope you see
How awesome you can be
I hope you dream
Of touching moon beams
I hope you pray
For His guidance every day
I hope you know
That I love you wherever you go