How Could This Happen To Me by Simple Plan

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight
And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I finished moving yesterday and gave the landlord back his keys. Chapter closed. Gone miss him and not the house. He is giving me my last months rent check back wooooooohooooooooo said I paid in advance but I dont think he made me do that when I moved in. But oh well now I got some money to go get the kids a swing set for the new house. Now I have only my house to work on and the occasional stuff at my sweeties to do. I cant believe it has been 3 months already since we started dating. I feel sooo safe in his arms. Now if I could just stop waking up at 3am and having nightmares. Maybe once I get everything straight at the new house and can take a day off I will get my head back right and scare the nightmares away. Maybe the nightmares are to teach me that my life could be oh so much worse. I have sooo much to be thankful for. I cant change the past so time to work on the future. SO future here I come te hehe

Finally

Hopefully as of this evening I will only be renting one house. I got to clean the kitchen and move the frig and stove and the crib out then clean carpets and Im done. Closing a chapter in my life that Im more than happy to close. Took me a year and a half to get my life back in order but Im trying. Should have moved to town long time ago. I cut myself off from my friends and family. Now its time to face my life and plan for the future. There is sooo much out there waiting for me to face and to see. I cant believe how much I let pass me by in the last year. No more of that. Accept my life and go from there. Smile and believe. No more looking at the past. Whats done is done time to move on. Becca I love you and thank you very much for always being there to support me. Desi I love ya too and thank you for making me believe. Im not that same scared little girl I was 2 years ago. People do change. Well back to work.

PS I got my Superwoman shirt on today. Im taking the world on wooooohoooooooooo love yall

Your Power Color Is Red-Orange

http://images.blogthings.com/whatsyourpowercolorquiz/red-orange.jpg"> %20color="#000000">At Your Highest: You are warm, sensitive, and focused on your personal growth. At Your Lowest: You become defensive and critical if you feel attacked. In Love: You are loyal - but you demand the respect you deserve. How You' re Attractive: You are very affectionate and inspire trust. Your Eternal Question: "Am I Respected?"

What's" Your Power Color?

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.
You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think.
You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly.
You tend to always dream of things within reach - and you usually get them.

Ok so maybe I was in a bad mood last night. Ive got cramps from hell and its suppose to be 120 degrees here today. I need a nap and a backrub. Im just setting here at my desk hoping I dont toss my cookies or passout.

grrrrr

I swear some days I wonder what I ever saw in that wasted piece of flesh I call my ex. He sooo know how to push my buttons. 2 weeks ago I called him and asked for my cement mixer back. Yep Im a girl and I got a cement mixer. Well he returned it. Cement hardened on the inside and the steel casing all cracked. I know when I last saw it it wasnt in the best of condition but you could still use it. Now it is a worthless piece of steel. Would not piss me sooo much if it hadnt been my father's. I only have a few things that were his so this really pisses me. Instead of calling me and telling me he messed it up well his friend messed it up cause he decided what the hell he could lone out MY mixer, the coward left it at work for me to find. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I swear the only thing the short dick bad fuck ever did right was father my Stars.

I've seen it all

After dropping my Stars off at my mom's today I was headed back to work sitting at the light minding my own business when I spot this on the side of a truck. "We are #1 in the #2 business" I just starred OMG How on earth could the driver drive around with that on his truck and not wear Depends? I swear I would have to cover my face if I was driving or either I would die laughing.

Who are you going to marry?

My son is totally fixed on this question. I swear he has been asking me this question for over a month. I finally told him as soon as I know he will be the first to know.

Guess What?
Guess What?

Only 5 months till Christmas

Te HeHe

Bec thought you would like this.

The other night my sweetie looked at me and said "Btw my name is ......... not God." At first I didnt get it cause I was well resting. So he said it again and the light bulb came on. Think I screamed OH God one too many times. te hehe

"Never part without loving words to think of during your absence. It may be that you will not meet again in life. " - Jean Paul Richter

I hate 3am

I really am beginning to hate 3am. Every morning for a week now I wake up at 3 and never really go back to sleep. I fall asleep dream a little and toss and turn. This morning I woke up feeling like I was going to toss my cookies. My sweetie ask whats wrong and I say I feel like shat. He then ask if i want something to drink. Me being the independant type said no cause I would hate to bother him while he is trying to sleep with my wiggly worm ass in his bed. So I fall back to sleep only to dream of tossing my cookies in the bathroom and then asking him to get me a Sprite. Why couldnt I have just said yes sweetie I would love something to drink? Why do I always have to act like Superwoman?

I love you

3 little words
Yet so hard to say
3 little words
I try to keep at bay

I tell my Stars that I love them everyday and when I leave my family they are the last words I say. I long to hear him whisper them to me but I fear forever it will not be. Is there a forever love? Does I love you come without strings? I would give him my heart but can he promise not to break it? I would give him my future but can he promise not to waste it? Am I capable of loving? Will I always be wondering? Why cant I just say how I feel? Is what I feel real?

Do any of us know what love truly is? When I look at my Stars I know what love looks like. I would die for them. Their love is pure. It has no ulterior motives. Just pure and straight from the heart. One little Mommy I love you and the world is a better place. My daughter loves to take her tiny hand and rub my cheek then look in my eyes and say "Mommy I love you. Whole heart mommy" That is what love is. Its whole hearted no strings no motives just pure kindness.

Why is it that as adults we lose how to love like that? Or maybe we don't lose it we just forget that love is pure. We add stipulations and stings. In the end that only brings heart ache. So maybe we need to learn from children how to love purely. And how to accept people for who they are with all their faults. We can love them for the person they are just not always their actions.

Im beginning to wonder if I am going crazy. No laughing. Do dreams mean anything? cause if they do Im in for it. I had a dream last night that I was at my brother's. He was messing with snakes and a cobra bit me. The room started to black out and I kept thinking when is he gonna give me the antivenum. At this point I woke up. Never to really go back to sleep. I got up went to the bathroom got back in bed and tossed and turned the rest of the night. ok I wake up this morning with no shirt on. I took the pj pants off when i got in the bed but am sure I left my top on. I cant remember if it was still on when I went to the bathroom or not so now the question is why am I stripping in my sleep? Like sleep walking wasnt bad enough now Im gonna walk around naked. great I hope I dont know how to sleep unlock doors could make an interesting walk around the new neighborhood. I dont think I will be eating strawberries again before I go to bed. Ive had alot on my mind lately. Cant seem to make my brain shut up when I go to bed at night. The lack of good sleep is starting to show. The heat is beginning to really get to me. I got so hot Sunday that it made me sick. I will be sooo glad when I am done packing. I have my Stars this weekend and we are going to a carnival at church. I cant wait I have the whole day off from work so it will be nice. I have a trade show on Sunday which sucks cause Im not going to take the kids with me but hopefully I will be done by lunch. Well I better get back to work'n.

What is it that you see?

Can you see past the wall?
Can you see into my soul?
Can you see my pain?
Can you see my tears?

Can you see what the past has done to my heart?
Can you see that I am scared to love?
Can you see how insecure I am?
Can you see all my fears?

Can you see how my eyes light up when you enter the room?
Can you see how happy you have made me?
Can you see that I only want you happy?
Can you see you loving me for years?

Boy is it hot. I swear Im gonna melt soon. Its been a long few days had a lot on my mind. I dont understand men at times but I guess I never will and its probably had for them to understand me. I am a very touchie feelie kind of person dating a non public touchie person. Makes life interesting. I try to remember to not molest him in public but at times I just want to slam him down on Lane 3 and make him scream my name. Now wouldnt that be a sight? Mommy mommy what them two people doing on the floor? te hehe Waxing the floor baby that all te hehe. But he makes me very happy and makes me smile. Just wish I could read his mind or maybe I dont cause he is almost as warped as I am. I know thats scary. I just hope I make him happy. I got to learn to be more forward about something and quiet about others. But how he can make me laugh till I almost passout.

I am almost all the way moved from the old house and I cant wait. He is going to move the rest of my furniture next week oh to have dressers again. I am liking the new place maybe next year I can buy a place of my own. Well back to work.

Ok becca you can stop worrying. I'm better today. Its amazing what sleep can do for ones brain and outlook. I went home to my sweetie's place yesterday and we talked some. He told me he just wished I would talk to him and tell him what was going on in my head. I've always been the strong one. I hold everything I think nobody else wants or can handle to hear in my head and wait till they find out on their own or just hide the secrets forever. So I tell him what I'm thinking or at least I told him part. Poor boy couldn't handle everything that my head thinks. We talk some and then back comes the wall. I don't want to get hurt so I hide. This one could hurt me soo much and never know. I've fallen for him and never meant to. So Im laying there in his arms and I start to cry from exhaustion and brain overload. How different and great it is to have someone to hold you when you cry and to hear him say "Baby just let it all out. Baby girl its all ok" So there I laid face buried in his chest crying till I passed out. At 11 I woke up on the floor. Not sure how I got there. I go get in the bed and I ask him why was I laying on the floor. He said I got up off the sofa grabbed the blanket and threw it on the floor and laid down. He tried to get me to come to bed with him but I was either ignoring him or I was asleep. I climb in bed and end up tossing and turning the rest of the night. Why is it that I can sleep sooo much better on the sofa? Or maybe its just that I was so tired before on the sofa that I made my brain shut up.

Thank you Becca and Desi for making me feel better yesterday. I miss yall and hope yall are having lots of fun.

What was I thinking?

Was I thinking? Or maybe I was just thinking with the wrong part of me? Can I do yesterday over? Can I just forget yesterday? Will the nightmares ever end? I just want to sleep. I set here now at work soo tired that Im about to passout. Couldnt sleep last night so at midnight I drive to Wendy's to get a frosty. I eat two spoon fulls and contemplate just driving till I passout. So I drive back home and go to get out the car and Ive spilled my frosty all over the cup holder oh well. I watch more mindless tv and finally fall asleep only to wake up a little later and go get in bed with my sweetie. I roll and toss and turn and finally passout again only to dream that I have twins. Not the dream I needed today. I wake up and he is holding me. I cant look him in the eye. The wall that was once so small is now up again. I hide inside myself not wanting to show my emotions. If I am strong it will all be ok. I cant break down. He wants to help but there is no helping me. This is my battle. In the end I will let him go scare him off. My sadness makes him feel bad. I can see the hurt and confusion in his eyes. He soo wants to hold me and make me better but its not that easy. TIME TIME only time will tell. I get lost in my world pushing him away. Will he still be here when I stop pushing? Yes I am scared the end could be wonderful and bad all together. I will hide. I cant hold him back I wont hold him back. He has dreams. Am I part of those dreams? I do not know but I wont corner him or make him make me part of those dreams. He has a future maybe Im part of if maybe Im not. Maybe my lack if sleep makes me make no sense or maybe I do. Maybe if I hide the world will never know what a fake I am? Im scared and alone lost. He is soo good to me but I will not force the issue. I will hide and push him away. Maybe Im all worked up over nothing or maybe this could be the deciding factor in my life. Im tired Im scare I feel alone but Im not Im just pushing him out. He will not pay for my stupid mistakes. I am strong I will make it or maybe Im not maybe this is my breaking point. TIME TIME it moves so slow and fast grrrrrrrrrrrrrr sleep grrrrrrrrrrrrr me grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I want to run never look back. Hide inside myself. In the end its my life my mistakes love me for me or hate me but dont pity me or feel sorry for me. They were my decisions my choices. I have to live with them.

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face." - Eleanor Roosevelt

"You dont stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing." - Michael Pritchard

"If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun." - Katherine Hepburn

You can be a victor and still not have victoms

I love to eat Chinese food and most of all I love the fortune cookies. This was one of my latest fortunes. To me it means I dont have to step all over everyone in the process of getting where I want to be. Let the people around you help you advance and dont belittle them in the process. You never truely win if you hurt the ones around you in the process of getting what you want. And is it truly worth having if you hurt the ones you love while you are trying to get it?

Correction

Ok to fix the wooooohoooooooo post. I was excited cause I got moved in to the new house. To sleep in a new bed to dream new dream. But here reality hits again. Im either so exhausted or Im upset about something cause I think Im sleep walking again. Which is going to make life interesting again. Hopefully it was just cause of the new place we will see.

WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO

Well here I am at work thinking grrrrrrrrr long weekend and Im working all weekend. I have to work late today to work and then clean and pack the old house so that I can be mostly moved by next weekend. But in the end it will be better just tired need a break with my sweetie. Seems our schedules are never going to slow down. I just treasure the time we do get to spend together. After I move should be a little better. At least I will not be living at 4 houses. Business has been booming the last week or so. I love staying busy. Hopefully my life is getting back on track. Just need to stay focused and work towards my goal. I cant believe that this year is half over already. Time seems to fly these days. Well I better get started on my days work looks like its gonna be a busy one.

Life is too short

Today there was a bad accident where I live. Life is so very short. We should never take a moment for granite. Love should never be forgotten or put on a shelf. It should be shared and treasured and nurtured so it will grow.

To my friends, I love you very much and thank you for always being here when I need a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen to me bitch. Ya'll have helped me soo much over the last year. Bec, I love you like my sis. I miss our long nights together. Hopefully I will be moved soon so we can talk all night. Lavie, you have showed me what strength is. You better turn the UK upside down. To my lighthouse, I miss our talks and you will forever be in my heart even if we dont talk. You helped me see me again and for that I am forever greatful. You believed in me when I didnt.

To my sweetie, you may never read this but still, thank you for making me laugh and drying my tears when crying was all I had left in me. Thank you for listening to me. Whereever this goes I hope forever we will be friends. I know not what the future holds for us but I hope in the end you are happy. Its funny to me how we got where we are but our roads have never been that far apart. I just hope I make you as happy as you make me. All I have left to say is "Inside voice" lol You can take the girl out of the country but ya cant take the country out of the girl.

A new month and new beginnings. I should be totally moved into the new place in a few weeks. I cant wait. Another chapter in this book called life. Maybe this one will have a happy ending.