What a week. Is it over yet? The only words I can come up with lately to write here are sad. Last night when I got home I was suppose to clean cause the kids destroyed the house while I was sick. but it didnt happen. As usual when Im emotional I worked myself soo completely up that all I could do is lay on the sofa and cry. I cried for my best friend and the sadness that he must feel. I cried for the life for a child that was taken way before her time. I cried cause I wished that I could have been there more for my friend. And in the end I prayed for my friend and his family. The more I think about the more mixed up I see myself. Im soo backwards. Should have started with the praying. Weird how as a child we can believe soo strongly and instead of growing in our faith we start to lose it as an adult. Or maybe its that somethings just make us question more as an adult. I have asked why soo many times for soo many different reasons. Just as a child we just believe with out wanting or needing the why. My faith has gotten me thru so much and I in return have let my faith down in sooo many ways. But the awesome thing about God is that He doesnt hold grudges. He accepts me for who I am and knows all of my flaws. He forgives me for all the wrong that I have done even though I cant. So in the end it is my faith that will get me thru not anything that I do myself because in the end Im never alone He is always with me.

Ok finished my poem and have sat here debating if I was going to post it or not. I am scared of upseting anyone but this is what was in my heart to write. I started it Thursday afternoon. I think this one is better than the original and seeing as I couldnt remember all of the original its the new and improved version. grrrrrrrrrrrrr Im still setting here debating. Yes No Maybe Ok im posting can just remove later if it upset anyone.


The day you were born I held you in my hand
We use to build castles in the sand
The games we use to play
We would sit and laugh all day

Now I set here by myself
Starring at your picture on the shelf
The loneliness i feel inside
The tears that I can not hide

I do not understand why God took you
What am I going to do?
You were my precious little baby
Who turned into a beautiful young lady

I think about the dreams you had
And all I can do is get mad
Your dreams were going to come true
Why did this have to happen to you?

The pain I feel in my heart
Like its being ripped apart
You were my gift from above
My little angel love

grrrrrrrrrrr

I have been waiting since thursday to get back on my lappie and see if i could recover a post. Well I got back on it this morning and the post is gone. grrrrrrrrrrrr. I know better. Need to start writing my poems down on paper. When it messed up I remembered some and wrote it down but grrrrrrrrrrrier. So here I set trying to fill in the gaps. Hopefully remember it all by the end of the day but ya know how my mind is. It dawned on me about 15 minutes ago I never ate dinner last night. Ate half a chicken sandwich for lunch and then drank an amp at 10pm. Arent I a smart one? No wonder I woke up with the jidders. Well back to work.

WHY

That is the question of the day or week or maybe even a life time. I set here just wondering why. but there are no answers. Im sad and angry and just totally lost. I want to go outside and look up in the sky and scream why but that wont get me an answer either. and with the weather we are having today its only going to get me struck by lightning. And I dont have good luck so I dont need to push it. I know I will never have the answer to this question. Sometimes there is no answer just that things happen that we can not change and that we do not understand. I will never understand. My heart will never forget the pain. And my pain is sooo small compared to others. I wish I could take your pain away. But all I can do is try to be here for you and be the friend you have been to me. You have been my lighthouse shining a light on my path making me see what was right there infront of me. making me see who I am. Please remember that I am here for you. I sooo wish there was more that I could do. There are no words that I can say. nothing that I can do to make it better. All I can do is be your friend and listen to you.

At a loss for words today. I dont know where to start or even end. The start is birth the ending is death. The middle is life. I just pray that in my middle I told the people that I love how much they mean to me. Yesterday something happened that reminded me how short life is and that I should never forget to tell the ones I love that I love them. We are all soo busy with our lives that we forget to say I love you when we leave each other. I hate the word goodbye. In fact a rarely use it if you havent noticed. Its always later. cause one way or another I will see you later. If not on this earth then in heaven and in my dreams. Last night after I prayed I asked my father to watch over God's newest angel. I look at my Stars and know how truly blessed I am. I will never understand and guess Im not meant to understand why things happen. In the end when I meet my Lord maybe He will explain. But for now I just cry and ask why. There are no answers just tears. I close my eyes and pray that I will wake up and this will all be a bad dream another one of my nightmares. But in the end I cry cause I know its sooo very really and if my heart hurts this bad I dont even want to imagine how you must feel. I dont have the words. I cant hug you and tell you how very sorry I am. I cant dry your tears. All I can do is tell you Im sooooo very sorry and pray for you. And right at this moment that just doesnt seem like enough.

Well planting season is here again which means there goes my phone line at least 4 or 5 times before summer. Well yesterday was the first time and hopefully the last. I got home to no phone which meant no net. grrrrrrrrrr and Im still alive to tell about it. Call phone company we will be out tomorrow to fix. Some guy calls this morning are you home? Yeah right like i stay home every time ya'll come out to fix this dang thing. No Im not and the problem is outside so I dont need to be cause Ive already checked the outside box. So he says he'll call me when it works. I get call later on. I have a temporary line on the ground cause he was fixing the cut in the line when it broke again two feet from where he was repairing. So finally they decide that they should bury the line deeper and in a different spot. Like 12" down in the middle of a field was gonna work. So for now I have phone till someone cuts my temporary line. Woooooooohooooooo the joys of living in the middle of a cow field. Wonder if a cow bites it if the cow will be able to be my answering machine. Hello you have reached moofomation how may i direct you call?

Ok I didnt die in court today. Got off with cant read traffic signs and a fine but at least it was less points on my license. Tummy still killing me no more milk for awhile should have know better. Its so pretty here today think the kids and I are going to do flower pots today. My son has been asking to do them for a month now. I know he is going to want to play outside so might as well do something constructive.

Maybe I am a B*tch

Using bright red for this cause Im in a mood. Been this way for 2 days. I know what caused it. And grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr at that. Ive had the brainless customers from hell today but I smile and stay polite as long as I can. I honestly think they dont hear the hint of sarcasm in my voice as they ask the same question for the 100th time. But I professional and smile and answer it yet again. Its so pretty here todayI just want to be outside away from people. Grrrrrrrrrrr at me and my moodiness. Time to get over it all and move on. Whats done is done and it cant be changed. Work is gonna get busy soon with the sun finally deciding to shine. I love the summer and the sun recharges my batteries, so maybe I wont be a b*tch. But I know I am a born b*tch and it really cant be changed.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr at my mood. and grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr at me for letting someone make me feel this way. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr at it all. By now you would think I would know better. I am who I am. No smoke or mirrors. What I say I mean and these are not just words on a screen. My eyes see them and tell my heart. These words are my feelings. Why would I waste my time if they werent? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr at me for crying and caring. grrrrrrrrrrrrr at me for thinking it was me. I may be a moster and a b*tch but I have never said I wasnt. Never said I was perfect cause theres no way on earth that is possible. I am so I am nothing more nothing less. Accept me or dont. But dont tell me how I feel in my heart and dont act like you know what Im thinking. Words have feelings behind them and once said cant be changed. Words can kill.

What have I done to you
You stopped talking to me out of the blue
Are you tired of being my friend
Do you want to call this the end
You have confused me so
All I want is a yes or a no.

"Are you strong enough to be my man?"

God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Nothing's true and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can't change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Lie to me
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave, leave, don't leave
I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
So try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?
My man......Are you strong enough? (to be my man....)
Are you strong enough? Are you strong enough? (my.....man)
When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Would you be man enough to be my man?
Lie to me
I promise, I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave


That is the question of a lifetime. I love that song and it makes me wonder. Is there someone out there that is strong enough to be mine? Strong enough to push over the walls. Strong enough to help me face my issues head on. Strong enough just to hold me when I cry. I dont want Superman just someone that is willling to take the time to look behind the exterior and into my heart. to love me for who I am not what they want me to be. To love me when Im silly and want to dance in the rain. To love me when Im soo stressed over work that I could jump. Not to fix my problems but to help work thru them. Maybe the first question I should ask a guy is "are you strong enough to be my man?" if he runs then thats a big no. Or maybe I just want tooo much. Maybe there are no fairytales no happy ends. Maybe Im looking for a dream that I will never find. The impossible.
I swear I hate the word settle but maybe thats what we are suppose to do. A friend of mine said her and her husband had settled with each other. Not that she loved him but that she had settled. OMG I dont want to settle. I want to be loved. Love cant be settling can it? I want to be 80 and sleeping with my husband and him wake up and think "I love this woman sooo much" not "OMG what was I thinking and why did I settle for her" Ok so now that I have totally gone around in circle i guess I will hush. Yes No Maybe

Trust Issues

My best friend today even said I have trust issues. I think its more that I dont trust myself anymore. How do you learn to trust again? Do you stick your heart out on the line and wait for someone to blow it apart? Or am I just being negitive thinking that its gonna get blown apart again? If I act strong and tough and like I really dont care what people think then they cant get close and they cant hurt me. My heart cant get broken again. Not sure I can put all the pieces together again. So I go on being the woman of steel when all I really want is someone to love me and hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I dont want a Mr. Fixit just someone to listen to me and love me. I know I have problems that only I can fix just would be nice to have someone to listen to me when Im on the verge of totally losing it. So do I trust again? Yes No Maybe only time will tell.

Is this your full time job?

I was driving the forklift at work yesterday. ok no laughing. And a customer asked me was this my full time job? What do I look like Im 12? I get it all the time. This summer I got "Is this your summer job?" Why is it sooo hard for men (yes all these questions were asked by men) that a woman could be doing my job? You should see the mail I get addressed to Mr. Soinso. Ive scared salesmen away and chased a few off. I just laugh at them. You should see their faces when they ask me is the manager in and if they can see him. I say Yes the manager is in and no you cant see him cause she isnt a he. My employees seem to get a laugh out of all the different people and their take on a woman being the manager. I just laugh. I know my job and Im good at it. btw a forklift and me are a funny sight. Shame I drove them better at 6 then I do now. te hehe my son thinks they are giant riddie toys. So to all you men Yes this is my full time job and yes I love it.

ok saying of the day

"Use things not people"

I will never understand why some people think it is fun to play with other people's emotions and heart. Like they are just objects and not humans.

On our way to church this morning my son ask me "Mom do you have your clothes on?" So being the person I am even though I know I put my clothes on I looked down. "Yes sweetie Im dressed why?" "Well your arm is naked" I laughed. I knew we were in a hurry to get out the door this morning but I also knew I had clothes on. He was very concerned about the naked arm. Guess he hadnt seen a naked arm in awhile. When I leave the house in the morning I always go over the list of stuff in my head. One morning we walked out of the house I put my daughter in the care and she told me her feet were wet. Well I just took it that she meant her shoes were wet. I get my son to school and get ready to take her out of the car and look down yep her feet are wet cause she aint got any shoes on. So now we go down the list of clothing in the mornings. Its a good morning if we can all get out of the house totally dressed and even better morning if all our clothes are facing the right way. Nothing like getn your son to school and noticing grass stains on the back of his pants and wondering how they got there till ya realize he has his pants on backwards.

"Shall we make a new rule of life tonight: always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary." - Sir James M Barrie

"Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense everything that comes from love is a miracle." - A Course in Miracles

"The course of human history is determined, not by what happens in the skies but by what happens in our hearts." - Sir Authur Keith

Yes No Maybe

Ok will I ever be able to make up my mind. I know what I want but am i strong enough to handle the road to get there? Am I able to trust or will I always think that people have alterior motives? Grrrrrrrrrr the mind can be a awful thing. Trust dont trust. Do I listen to my head or heart? I swear I feel like one of those rubber dolls being pulled in every direction. I have a hard time believing anyone would want to talk to me just cause I am me. There has got to be a reason behind it. Grrrrr Me and my trust issues. Why cant I just be happy and accept things at face value? Not everybody had a negative reason for talking to me. Issues I have. I need to learn to turn the brain off and just have fun. Got to find that switch. Boy do I ramble. Yes No Maybe Could Be Happiness Pain Sorrow Joy Tears Smiles Heartache Happy Ever After Feel like Im standing in the road running back and forth saying "Which way do I go? Which way do I go?" Maybe I should get a hammer nail my foot to the floor. then I couldnt run I could just stand there and wait for the train to hit me. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr I swear Im running in circles. Round and Round I go where I stop I have no idea. Back and Forth Left and RightUp and Down I am who I am why is that never good enough? Is it not good enough for you or is it not good enough for me? Am I not worthy or do I think of myself as worthless? When life gives ya lemons make lemonade but grrrrrrrrrrr im out for sugar. Circles or maybe Triangles or have I boxed myself in? Time to get out of the box to shake the world up. Either play the game or get played. But I dont like playing games. Be straight forward with me no candy coating. I want the hard truthful facts. Are you playing with my mind or do you really want my time? Its either yes or no there is no maybe to that question. Do I trust you? Do I trust me? Heart Brain Trust Game Left Right Up Down Yes No Maybe

I went to my shed today to get my sons workbench out of it. I havent been in the shed since i moved. had no idea what was in there. I came across a book my preacher gave me when I graduted high school. Random Acts of Kindness. It has lots of sayings in it so I brought it out so that i could keep up with lavie and cornie.

"Fear grows out of the things we think; it lives in our minds. Compassion grows out of the things we are, and lives in our hearts" - Barbara Garrison

"We dont remember days, we remember moments." - Casare Pavese

"To receive everything, one must open one's hands and give." - Taisen Deshimaru

"if you live for love you spread kindness and compassion everywhere you go. When you stop believing in your hear you are but a sterile vessel wandering in the wilderness." - Francis Hegmeyer

"The heart that breaks open can contain the whole universe." - Joanna Macy

ok its 10pm and I swear I may have to glue the kids down to get them to sleep. This time change is going to get very interesting soon. I am finally feeling better. I wouldnt wish strep on nobody. Work is starting to get busy again. I love being busy but it gets very stressful too. Ive just got to learn to be better organized. My mom has been sick on and off now for 2 months and it makes it hard on me cause I really rely on her at work. So Ive got to learn to be able to do both and not expect her to help just be glad when she can. Which means when iI dont have the kids work is gonna be first. Forget that there is a world outside of it and buckle down and focus. Some many dreams to chase so little time. My Stars will always come first. I cant believe how much they have grown. My daughter tonight was talking about 3 babies. I asked her who has three babies she said you do mommy. Im thinking I need to work on her counting with her again. Or either she knows something I dont. ok back to cleaning got to get all these dark winter clothes packed away. Maybe tomorrow I can make time to go order my new bedroom furniture.

The life of a friend
was taken too soon
Now all I can do
is cry to the moon

Her smile full of warmth
her heart full of love
She was taken by God
to be our angel above

The love she has shown
Our hearts she has touched
I hope she knows
we love her very much

You come home late to find the house quiet. You go upstairs and check on the children, they are sleeping. Hearing the radio come on downstairs, you follow the music into the living room. You find me laying on a blanket infront of the fireplace. the amber glow of the fire dances across my pale skin. My auburn curls lay fanned out across the blanket. You slowly walk over and kneel down beside me. I look up at you with a sparkle in my eyes. You lean over sliding you hand behind my head and lift my lips to meet yours.
You kiss me softy at first. I wrap my arms around your neck pulling my body in closer to yours. I softly nibble your lower lip and let out a little giggle. tilting my head back, you look into my eyes and grin. I slowly lick my lips then kiss you. I kiss down your neck and start to unbutton your shirt.
I kiss each inch of new flesh that revealed as I unbutton your shirt. When the last button is undone, I wrap my arms around your neck pressing my naked body against yours. I kiss you slowing running my fingernails up and down the back of your neck. You take me in your arms and gently lay me down on the blanket. You look down at my naked body taking every inch in.

Wind

I swear if the wind blows any harder Im gonna be in Oz. I feel like ive been in a windtunnel for 2 days. I hate being told I have to stay in the house makes me want to pull my hair out. Everyone else is either sleeping or out and im setting here watching some bad movie and cleaning. thinking about going back to sleep. grrrrrrrr being sick. I know im a wimp. and Im moody too but I got M&Ms so all will be ok. ok I think its nap time again

I set here at work laughing in my head cause it hurts too much to laugh out loud. My employees now think it is funny to walk around with white mask on. I have no idea why. Could be the oh so small fact that the dr says im highly contagious. Mom always told me to share. So I set banded to my office watching the minuted tick by and trying to mail out 200 statements. All I can think about is getting home and curling back up on the sofa and not moving till Monday morning. Suppose to have storms here all day so its the perfect day just to sleep. Dr told me I probably wouldnt feel like working Monday. I told her she dont know me to well. And here I am infected everyone. arent I sweet? If I didnt have to swallow life would be great. I keep thinking of pancakes just want to eat hot fluffy pancakes with blueberries on top. And eggs bacon hashbrowns french toast and some orange juice. Well back to work now.

I am a lost soul on the sea
Your light beckons me
I listen to the sound of your voice
Hiding from you is not a choice
As the fog of my life engulfs me
I wonder if forever lost i will be
Your light shines thru the haze
Guiding me out of this maze